need ... inspiration ...

[veronica_rich]

This is totally not an emo post. I'm just missing my - inspiration, mojo, work ethic, whatever you want to call it. I have no desire to do much anymore, and it's driving me batty. I spent years working hard - good grades in high school and college, awards when I could, worked hard on my career (70 hours a week or more for little pay) out of college, got all kinds of awards there, too. Heck, when I lost my job five years ago, I took up temping and all kinds of part-time work just to stay afloat financially. I've lived on freelancing and legal work for the past several years. But I've hit a wall; I just can't do it anymore. I can't summon up the energy or inspiration or anything.

At this point in my career, as hard as I've worked, I ought to be somewhere, not stalled at a place 12 years in with nothing to show for it except a fancy resume I can't really use anywhere. I can't afford grad school, can't really afford to move and look somewhere else for an actual career-type job, and I simply don't know what to do to keep my spirits up and my "train on the track" these days. I've become lazy and uninspired, and that really sucks.

Comments

[heartofslash.livejournal.com]

I'm not very good at inspiring people unless there's sex involved. Hot, dirty, nasty sex is a speciality. But I can do snuggly schmoopy sex if called upon to do so.

So I'll have to simply offer *hugs*

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thought. I think life just sucks sometimes - it has before, but before, I always had something by which I could tug myself out of it. This time, I don't know what's different. I need a motivation.

An older friend called yesterday and said she'd seen an NBC news poll where Americans were asked basically how they felt about the future of the country, and only like 12 to 27 percent - depending on the specific question - were at all positive about things. She said when asked how they felt about their children's future and beyond in this country, the negative rating was 82 percent.

[heartofslash.livejournal.com]

Oh, believe me. I know about the life sucking part.

There were a couple of days last month... but depression is one of the symptoms of the nerve disorder that plagues me - like duh - if you can't reverse the damage you might lose use of your limb entirely forever. I don't think depression is really a reach in that situation. And my anxiety and worry and physical pain made me look at the world in a very bleak manner indeed. I started swimming every (almost) day, and that really helped.

So, yeah, if you can drag yourself somewhwere to do some exercise, just the effect of your blood circulating more freely can make a world of difference.

The future is looking pretty fucking not pleasant, that's for sure. There's not much ot look forward too, particularly not the US's slow slide into fascism. Aw, hell, I'm not helping much, am I?

More slash. That's always my prescription for angst.

Also, that "setting little, manageable goals" strategy is really good. Try it. When you wake up, pick something that needs doing, expecially something that's bugged you for a long time. Say to yourself "Today I'm going to empty the spice shelf and clean the fucker and go through all the spices and toss out the ones I don't use" or "I'm going to alphabetize my DVD collection" or whatever and then do it no matter what. You'd be surprised how achieving a simple tiny goal can lift your spirits and encourage you to set a higher one the next day. "I'm going to finish that WIP I started ages ago." "I'm going to walk 3 miles today." "I'm going to do some creative redesign on my resume and come up with something that will get me to the interview on every fucking application because I'm a totally competent and useful and valuable person and every company should be begging me to work for them." "I'm going to go to Washington and kick that fucking bum out of the White House and put someone who cares about people and the environment and the future int here instead."

Well. Heh. You get the idea.

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

The folks who get the farthest in our modern "business" world tend to be the backbiting assholes who never look beyond their own wants. I know you're socially conscious (with a "moral center" even), so you were doomed to have less luck in "business" (and all the schooling in the world won't help you if you're not willing to suck up to the boss). You should take heart that there are things more important to you than capitalism.

~

Have you tried exercise? Nature walks can do wonders (if you have the time).

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Well, I've always exercised off and on. Unfortunately, right now is sort of an "off" time. I started walking a couple of miles a few times a week three years ago, and while I've dropped off to 2-3 times a week, I've kept it up over that time. I realize I'd feel a little better with exercise, but the thing is, you need energy to do it - that's the big problem.

I don't know that it's disillusion with capitalism or business that's doing it - I mean, I've been aware of that problem for a very long time and I've never made enough money that you could properly call me all that participatory in the system, anyway. (I know that part of my problem is crushing debt I can't afford, yes.)

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

If debt is your worst problem, have you tried some kind of consolidation? (I'm afraid I have zero experience with those kind of loans/'financial arrangements' but I'm pretty sure you can have monthly payments lowered - if you're willing to pay for a longer time).

~

I very much agree with heartofslash on setting small goals. I also make lists of Things To Do (because it does feel good when you can cross something off it).

~

I also recommend Green Tea. (My favorite "pick me up" is actually Starbuck's Mocha, but that stuff is so damn expensive I finally had to give it up. I can drink the Tea without sugar - so it's a healthier fix too, for me.)

[chibikat-wtf.livejournal.com]

I'm awfully sorry you feel that way. ._. I sort of know what you mean - I'm stuck in this office job until the end of the summer, when I start school up again. I've had no time to rest, so I feel like I'm wasting whatever time I do have sitting in some office, doing work that no one really cares about. Believe me, I empathise.

I guess the only suggestion I could make is that you start saving more money than before to move/go back to school/whatever it is you feel you need to do. Yeah, it's an obvious answer, and I'm sorry I can't think of anything better, but... >_O

[dejectedmadness.livejournal.com]

I don't comment much, but I wanted to tell you that I know how you feel. Not in the sense of having the slightest idea exactly what you've gone through to get to the place you are today, but in the way that I feel like I'm running and pushing on and dragging boulders behind me and getting exactly nowhere. I've been doing everything that is expected of me for the last 21 years of my life and working as hard as I can just to get through, graduate, and get out from under my parents' thumbs, but it's gotten to the point where I just can't make myself sit down and write that report, or where I think if I see another differential equation, I'm going to pop someone in the face.

My best friend gets me through. We both know that I don't want to go where my degree intends for me to go. I don't want to be an engineer. We started a band. It's hardly serious, but just a little hint in the back of my mind that says, "Maybe it will work out," is enough to keep me going long enough to graduate.

I suggest just finding a side project. Something that you can do, maybe with someone you care about, that can push you in a new direction so maybe you can discover some kind of inspiration to keep going.

I don't know if I am any kind of helpful. Hope you figure things out.

[queenoftheeggs.livejournal.com]

What I am about to tell you may sound completely naive and immature, but I firmly believe it.

Pack up, quit your job (or take a break from it if you can), and go away. Go far away and take a lot of risks. Do something you've always wanted to, or something that scares you...ANYTHING.

In order to be inspired and feel accomplished and alive you need to break out of the rut that put yourself in this mood in the first place.

Maybe this is too drastic, but as dejectedmadness said: you need a project to take your mind off of what's boring you. Whether it's a newfound love of photography, or taking a roadtrip to a random city...I'm sure anything will do. Break out of the routine.

This is much easier said than done, but I truly believe this.

Hope everything works out.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Ah ... what Chandler on "Friends" called "Get The Fear!"

I've actually had the fear a couple of times already, and I end up deeper in debt after each one. The first time, I quit one job for another and moved hundreds of miles from everyone I knew. That job ended after a little over a year because of shitty employers - I quit without having another job ready. In fact, I quit to go overseas for a month - the second instance of "getting the fear" - and spent money I didn't have, though I did learn a lot.

So it's not that I don't know how to do just what you suggested - I simply can't afford it any longer, LOL.

Something to cheer you up...

[gloromeien.livejournal.com]

From Jane Magazine:

PIRATE FANS CALL FOR DEPP + BLOOM TO GO GAY

Fans of magazine gossip are campaigning for PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN co-stars ORLANDO BLOOM and JOHNNY DEPP to star in a gay love scene together. When readers of America's Jane magazine were asked who they'd cast as homosexual lovers in a BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN sequel, they unanimously gave the movie pirates their vote. Depp has already admitted his Pirates of the Caribbean character, CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, has a gay quality about him, insisting his research suggested many pirates were bisexual. In one recent interview, the movie hunk said, "Pirates went to sea for years at a time. You're lonely... you have an extra ration of rum... 'Cabin boy!'"

But seriously, as an early thirties dame who is also a struggling freelance writer/editor and former overachiever, I feel your pain. In fact, many women I encounter who were driven in their scholastic years have all suffered from a serious burn-out at some time in their lates twenties, sometimes later on. It's a constant struggle to stay focused, despite low wages, fighting for the right jobs, the desire to feel established which will not be foreseably realized for a long while, and frustration with the inanity omnipresent in the world. Or maybe it's just me.

I do agree with the exercise comment, a beginner's yoga class has really helped me, but I also find a lot of encouragement in just treating myself to the things that do get my blood going, trying to enjoy cultural activities to the fullest, and deriving inspiration from the fact that these artists must have struggled at some point, too. I try to squeeze as much pleasure as I can from the things I love, literature, film, television, music, and art. Getting lost in these fantastical universes helps to distract me from the charge and reinvigorate my energies. Doesn't always work, but it can also be a comfort of sorts.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I understand completely where you are coming from and that you are not alone.

Cheers,

-G. ;D

Re: Something to cheer you up...

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Dude, you don't have a link to an online expansion of that piece from "Jane," do you? Because I could die a happy woman. XD

I know I'm not alone in my burnout; I've heard this happening to other women. Problem is, that doesn't make motivation for me. I've never based myself on what I was doing in comparison to other people but, rather, what I was doing compared to what I had already done. And I think the best stuff must be behind me! (No kidding, a lot of days. ARRGHHHHH.)

[finding-neo.livejournal.com]

Sorry to say, I don't have the energy to comment....

I hope to hell you're at least getting joy out of watching Johnny on Letterman RIGHT NOW!!

I don't value much these days....LOL

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Johnny is TEH SHIT. Seriously, his hair was all clean and wavy and pretty, and I wanted to stir it like a beater in a cake batter bowl ...

[captsparrow4evr.livejournal.com]

Have you thought about getting on a reality show like The Amazing Race? Or Survivor? If you won, you would get lots of money. If you didn't win, you might at least be famous enough to get invited to the PotC3 premiere (and who knows? Maybe you'll meet Orlando Bloom and he'll fall head-over-heels in love with you, leave Kate Bosworth, and end up your devoted love-slave for the rest of eternity.) Okay, maybe not.;)

All kidding aside, I understand where you're coming from, love. I have to admit that I'm still in something of a depression from seeing DMC. Not that I disliked it or didn't enjoy it, it just didn't inspire me like the first one did. What we need is a good crack-fic to break us out of this. Something like Will/Kraken or Elizabeth/Bootstrap or-or better yet, Elizabeth/Kraken:

"Ooh, Krakie, you know just how to use your tentacles to keep a girl happy!":D

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Come to think of it, as much as I love staring at Johnny and Orlando, I don't think I'd want to live with either one of them. Johnny strikes me as high-maintenance, and ... well, so does Orlando. Not as much as Johnny, but approaching it. I don't have the energy to keep myself up AND one of those, as well. Or look good on either arm.

It takes a while for inspiration from DMC to settle in, yes. It's coming in trickles, and still isn't completely there, but there IS good stuff to be gleaned from it. I think the main problem is that everyone had padded out their own fanon to a degree that what happened in the second one pretty much ripped chunks of it away. (Except for the J/E people, and do not get me started on that ill-conceived plot device. I don't begrudge anyone their pairing, but I am allowed my own opinion.)

[a-silver-rose.livejournal.com]

I hear you on the anxiety. I've got a parent very likely coming from from hospice care next week, when said parent, in my opinion, is not physically able to handle being alone while the rest of us go to work in order to keep a roof over our heads. Which means a possibility that what little social life we have will be going down the tubes because we have to park our arses at home to make sure the parent does not get more injured than they are already. And that's in addition to not being able to afford health and dental insurance, a government that's more interested in legislating my morality than making sure citizens poorer than me earn enough to feed them and theirs, and the general suckiness of my life.

Which is why I write on the side. I'd rather get paid for it, but it's still my best way to escape right now. That, and the knowledge that what goes around comes around, so those srewing me over will get screwed over themselves. I just want to be there to witness it firsthand.

- Silver Rose

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't it be better for your mom to be in a nursing home, or assisted living (won't her income cover that)? I love her to death, but truly, you guys should have your own lives - you've all taken care of her daily for years now, as it is. And you aren't the types to stick her in a home and never visit her, so it's not like she'd be forgotten or neglected even if she's not at home.

[a-silver-rose.livejournal.com]

If there were a legal way to do it, and she truly can't be at home by herself, that is the best option. But she "thinks" she can do it. *sighs* She doesn't understand how much would be involved were she to come home in the state I believe her to be in. Either that, or she doesn't care.

- Silver Rose

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

That sounds like Grandma the first few years after her stroke. She kept insisting she could live by herself, even after Grandpa went into the nursing home (after HE'D gotten sick and Mom had taken as much care of him as she could while working full-time). Mom humored her for a while, but she was working and going by the house 2-3 times a day (hell, I was going by once or twice a week to help clean house and such myself), and simply burned herself out. She did far longer than I would have, but then again, she's a better person than I am.