Learning to tolerate

[veronica_rich]

philosophercat doesn't like the term "tolerance" as a term among people, because she's said it implies putting up with someone who is different rather than accepting them fully and simply disagreeing with them - and that humans are NOT different from one another, are not of different races or species, they only differ in thought processes.

Well, when it comes to thought processes at least - yeah, I have to use the word "tolerance" because I don't see any other way to define trying to get along with people with whom I have important philosophical differences. I'm sitting here on a Sunday trying to get some work done and I have the back door open for the cats to go in and out; a neighbor is playing their radio. Suddenly I hear the distinctive little musical cue of Rush Limbaugh's show - which I recognize because a co-worker plays it in their office all the time - and then his blowhard voice, and the world TOLERANCE pops into my mind. If you were sitting next to me, you'd probably see it in a neon glow thought bubble over my head.

Here's my situation: I'm 35 years old and I have always been something of a liberal, trapped in Red State Land wherever I live. The three states I've resided in have gotten progressively more conservative as I've moved along, and while it's annoying, there's a small part of me amused by the karmic bitch of constantly being forced to live among and play by the philosophy of people I fundamentally disgaree with about many things. (Whereas, I see myself more as a fly in their ointment than a genuine omnipresent annoyance - they clearly have the majority opinion around me and can simply laugh off anything I say ... whether they secretly agree or not.)

Well - why don't I just move to a more liberal area? Why, indeed. I suppose everybody else in the world can pick and choose where they take their career-advancing jobs. Maybe it's just me who has to scrounge slowly up the ladder through backwoods places.

But it's also a matter of that tolerance thing. Overall, I do like Midwesterners. And Southerners, who I lived among for years. (There's not really a "region" I don't like, I'm just more used to the customs of these two.) But for some reason, those people seem to foster an overall preference for conservatism and while I am conserative on matters of finance - mostly - it's the social liberalism that puts me out of whack with a lot of people I deal with on a daily basis. (Well, that and the fact that for some reason right now, "conservatives" are not the fiscally responsible people they once were - $500 million on an unjust and unnecessary war per month is NOT conservative by a long shot.)

My version of "tolerance" is not to discuss politics or religion overly with people I work with and have regular contact with. I simply don't bring it up; if it is brought up around me, I have no problem voicing my opinion, but since it's usually in the minority, I have to be careful how I do so and remain calm while defending it. Since I'm one of the few who represents that mindset to these people, I think I should at least pretend to be a reasonable human being so they're not immediately put off by what I have to say. (And boy, it's taken me FOREVER to get to this point - when I was younger, I blurted out whatever I felt and such conversations would often escalate into raised voices. Now I make my point and spend a lot of time listening to what the "opposition" says, if for no other reason than to turn their arguments over in my mind searching for holes to punch. It's not precisely ... fun, but as I get older I'm learning to get a certain "kick" out of playing the wise quiet person more often than not, who just looks like they'd have a problem with what you're saying, but isn't going to say so. Kind of like Mom.)

I wonder if they realize at all that I do control my responses, and if it makes any difference whatsoever.

And, of course, none of this has anything to do with my online persona. :-)

Comments

[puffpastry.livejournal.com]

Your icon!!!! YESSSS!!!

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I stole it from someone else; you might as well steal it from me. *G*

[philosophercat.livejournal.com]

Only real differences are cultural- and some evolutionary differences ;) We all have the same thought processes, but we come to different opinions. It's not hard-wired at all. With politics, I still maintain that one should talk not vent, but I can't live up to that ideal myself. I try, but it's too hard for me sometimes.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Talking works if both people are earnest about wanting to *talk*. I would rather someone raise their voice and yell at me, and show some reaction to the points where I'm disagreeing with them, if the alternative is that they're going to maintain a calm voice and facade and not listen to a word I'm saying. (Of course, ideally a calm voice and actually listening are the best combination ... but you know what I mean. I'd rather have interaction than politeness, if I have to choose.)

[caniad.livejournal.com]

Although I don't usually like the term "tolerance" either, I agree with your definition of it. From what I've found, people are more receptive to my views if I'm politely receptive to theirs. Behind every opinion is a person, and that person has reasons for why believing something. Trying to understand those reasons definitely forces me to appreciate people better and to keep from turning individuals with a myriad of differing views into "those other people who believe those other things." Besides, wouldn't the world be boring if everyone believed the same thing?

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

From what I've found, people are more receptive to my views if I'm politely receptive to theirs.

And I do that to a point - a long point, actually, both in real life and online. I'll actually put up with a lot that I don't agree with, vis a vis opinions. But once somebody or somebodies has pushed me enough times over that line, there's a good chance I'll never take anything they say seriously or with much respect ever again. (And I rarely hide my irritation when I'm that pissed off, so people generally have the opportunity to back the rewind and start over before I get to the aforementioned extreme point.) Which isn't a good character trait, necessarily - it's just me.

[caniad.livejournal.com]

I can't argue with that. Some people do push too far by insisting on their views, and I'd be willing to tell someone to stop. Of course, there's nothing wrong with a strong personality either. I have a pretty non-confrontational personality (my aunt and I are similar in this: neither of us can bear to watch any sort of argument, and we've both been known to leave the room at awkward moments in movies or tv shows). But I'm glad for people who are stronger than I am, because I know, quite frankly, that I don't have what it takes to get into a confrontation. I'm glad for those who step in and take up the battle. It takes all kinds, I guess.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Believe it or not, "confrontation-ready" is not my default personality trait, which probably explains why I'm so bad when I do it. I was a pretty peaceful child and teenager, but I was pushed around rather more than I enjoyed, and figured out the only way to avoid it, eventually, was to make sure people knew I wouldn't abide it. Now while I'm still not completely comfortable with confrontation, I don't *mind* it nearly as much as I used to because I know it's the only language some people respond to.

[immortal-jedi.livejournal.com]

My really big problem with "tolerance" is simple. When people tell me to "be tolerant", they really mean "listen politely and don't mock my opinions, but let me make fun of you and call you stupid because of the opinions you hold." That has been my experience with "tolerance".

That said, I agree with your version of tolerance. It's a good idea, and I try to do the same.

I'm in the opposite situation. I'm conservative, surrounded by liberals.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

When people tell me to "be tolerant", they really mean "listen politely and don't mock my opinions, but let me make fun of you and call you stupid because of the opinions you hold."

And I don't think that's exclusive to a conservative surrounded by liberals, because it happens to me all the time, from the conservatives around ME. I think if there's a big majority and not a very large minority, this happens.

I'm conservative, surrounded by liberals.

Maybe you should come live here, and I should go there!

[immortal-jedi.livejournal.com]

No, it's not excluse to a conservative surrounded by liberals, I agree. However, that's still how I've noticed anyone, talking to me or not, acts. Human nature, I think.

Maybe you should come live here, and I should go there!

Great! I can take your job, and you can finish my degree for me!

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Eh ... as much as my job is LIKE earning a new degree, I remember too well what getting the first one was like and I want no part of that again. *G*

[captsparrow4evr.livejournal.com]

I also live in a conservative area and am a true bleeding heart liberal. I have to bite my tongue so much that I'm constantly tasting blood. I have yet to mock any of my conservative neighbors for their opinions. I make an effort to ignore the attacks they make on "liberals" because I know they are simply repeating back what someone has told them. I'll bide my time because I know that karma exists. What goes around comes around.