Article on childfree-ness
Jul. 24th, 2006 10:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
veronica_richFound this article courtesy of a childfree community to which I belong. The link for purists is at http://www.standard-freeholder.com/webapp/sitepages/search/results.asp?contentID=118779&catname=Go!&type=search&search1=child-free but I've also put it behind the cut:
Child-free women stand up
Misty Harris
For: www.standard-freeholder.com
Saturday, July 22, 2006 @ 10:00
Female friendships for Sheelagh Semper are all sweetness and support until she reveals she doesn't want kids, something the 30-year-old Canadian designer has known since she was a child.
When she does, a line is drawn in the sandbox and Semper inevitably finds herself on the wrong side.
Although childfree-by-choice women have always endured criticism from other females, it's only recently that people like Semper have chosen to square off against the motherhood mafia: baby-biased women eager to smother any whimper of dissonance in the ranks.
"There has been an assumption among some mothers that I haven't really thought through my decision and can be easily dissuaded from it,'' says Semper.
"It tends to take on the air of proselytizing - it's rude, it's uncomfortable . . . (It's) almost as if you've verbally or physically attacked a person and they now feel they must defend themselves or their values.''
She believes the lack of understanding may stem from other women's own self-doubt, noting that "people tend to fear that which isn't the same as them and begin to question their own choices when presented with an alternative."
Jane Dahl, who by age 18 was requesting a tubal ligation to ensure she never became pregnant, had one woman tell her she was "selfish, immature and irresponsible'' for opting out of motherhood.
"Women tend to judge other women very harshly,'' says Dahl, a 47-year-old trust accountant for the federal government. "If you aren't interested in hearing about colic and spit-up, you aren't part of the club. You're an outsider . . . Now we have our own exclusive club that only we get to join.''
Dahl is referring to Babes Without Babes (babeswithoutbabes.com), one of a growing number of social organizations exclusive to childfree women. Since its inception in September 2004, the Edmonton-based club has grown to a membership of nearly 140 women.
Dahl also belongs to her local branch of No Kidding (edmonton.nokidding.net), which caters more to couples and boasts a worldwide membership of about 10,000 people.
"Child-haters club"
"It's like, 'Oh, you belong to the child-haters club,''' says Amber Noden, the Edmonton No Kidding chapter's 38-year-old founder. "You feel like you have to justify to other women why you've made this decision, whereas somebody who has kids doesn't have to justify their decision to have them.''
Bestselling author Emily Giffin, herself a mother of two, believes the choice to be childfree is one of the last taboos in the female universe.
"It was so interesting to me that women turned on Jennifer Aniston before the Angelina angle came out,'' she says. "They were like, 'She's putting her career in film before having (babies), poor Brad!' Poor Brad? He should be with her regardless of her decision.''
Giffin's new book, Baby Proof, is one of the rare chicklit titles to focus on a childfree woman's refusal to bow to her husband's biological clock. Although she expected a little controversy, the author says the number of readers who find the lead character selfish has taken her aback.
"People are, on the whole, more forgiving of someone who would sleep with their best friend's fiance than of someone who simply doesn't want to be a mother,'' says Giffin, comparing reader reactions to the protagonists in her first book, Something Borrowed, and Baby Proof.
"It shows just how ingrained the whole idea of motherhood is in our society.''
But there may be relief in store for the reported seven per cent of Canadians who don't picture kids in their future.
Although Janice Preville, 51, was long a target of the motherhood mafia - told she was selfish, given the "you'd be a great mom'' pep talk, and warned she would regret her decision - the elementary school teacher believes the tables are finally turning.
"Almost all the girls at work tell me I made the smart choice,'' says Preville, a smile in her voice. "Most of their kids are teenagers now.''
Fortunately, I can't say I've ever gotten too much flak for my decision to not want children. My aunt bugged me about it when I was in college, with the old, tired "you're not a real woman if you don't reproduce," but I didn't feel particularly pressured - although I was kind of annoyed by her attitude (you'd have to know that my aunt isn't exactly the best mother in the world to know how little her opinion affected me *G*). On rare occasions I'll make the brief acquaintance of someone who goes on about "when you have your own" but I generally let it go through both ears - I much prefer being able to occasionally dote on someone else's kid and then send them home with their mother at the end of the day.
I do know women who've gotten some grief over this decision, but I figure that's from parents who are either miserable with their own decisions and want company, or from people who simply cannot imagine a world large enough to encompass doing more than one thing with one's life. Why else would it matter to a body what someone else is doing that doesn't directly impact the worrier? (Then again, I feel much the same way about people against gay marriage - how does two men marrying affect YOUR marriage? You afraid your hubby's going to up and leave you for his best friend Bob?) Again, fortunately, nearly all the mothers I know are good moms, enjoy their kids, and don't feel the need to justify their decisions by having others around them make the same one.
Child-free women stand up
Misty Harris
For: www.standard-freeholder.com
Saturday, July 22, 2006 @ 10:00
Female friendships for Sheelagh Semper are all sweetness and support until she reveals she doesn't want kids, something the 30-year-old Canadian designer has known since she was a child.
When she does, a line is drawn in the sandbox and Semper inevitably finds herself on the wrong side.
Although childfree-by-choice women have always endured criticism from other females, it's only recently that people like Semper have chosen to square off against the motherhood mafia: baby-biased women eager to smother any whimper of dissonance in the ranks.
"There has been an assumption among some mothers that I haven't really thought through my decision and can be easily dissuaded from it,'' says Semper.
"It tends to take on the air of proselytizing - it's rude, it's uncomfortable . . . (It's) almost as if you've verbally or physically attacked a person and they now feel they must defend themselves or their values.''
She believes the lack of understanding may stem from other women's own self-doubt, noting that "people tend to fear that which isn't the same as them and begin to question their own choices when presented with an alternative."
Jane Dahl, who by age 18 was requesting a tubal ligation to ensure she never became pregnant, had one woman tell her she was "selfish, immature and irresponsible'' for opting out of motherhood.
"Women tend to judge other women very harshly,'' says Dahl, a 47-year-old trust accountant for the federal government. "If you aren't interested in hearing about colic and spit-up, you aren't part of the club. You're an outsider . . . Now we have our own exclusive club that only we get to join.''
Dahl is referring to Babes Without Babes (babeswithoutbabes.com), one of a growing number of social organizations exclusive to childfree women. Since its inception in September 2004, the Edmonton-based club has grown to a membership of nearly 140 women.
Dahl also belongs to her local branch of No Kidding (edmonton.nokidding.net), which caters more to couples and boasts a worldwide membership of about 10,000 people.
"Child-haters club"
"It's like, 'Oh, you belong to the child-haters club,''' says Amber Noden, the Edmonton No Kidding chapter's 38-year-old founder. "You feel like you have to justify to other women why you've made this decision, whereas somebody who has kids doesn't have to justify their decision to have them.''
Bestselling author Emily Giffin, herself a mother of two, believes the choice to be childfree is one of the last taboos in the female universe.
"It was so interesting to me that women turned on Jennifer Aniston before the Angelina angle came out,'' she says. "They were like, 'She's putting her career in film before having (babies), poor Brad!' Poor Brad? He should be with her regardless of her decision.''
Giffin's new book, Baby Proof, is one of the rare chicklit titles to focus on a childfree woman's refusal to bow to her husband's biological clock. Although she expected a little controversy, the author says the number of readers who find the lead character selfish has taken her aback.
"People are, on the whole, more forgiving of someone who would sleep with their best friend's fiance than of someone who simply doesn't want to be a mother,'' says Giffin, comparing reader reactions to the protagonists in her first book, Something Borrowed, and Baby Proof.
"It shows just how ingrained the whole idea of motherhood is in our society.''
But there may be relief in store for the reported seven per cent of Canadians who don't picture kids in their future.
Although Janice Preville, 51, was long a target of the motherhood mafia - told she was selfish, given the "you'd be a great mom'' pep talk, and warned she would regret her decision - the elementary school teacher believes the tables are finally turning.
"Almost all the girls at work tell me I made the smart choice,'' says Preville, a smile in her voice. "Most of their kids are teenagers now.''
Fortunately, I can't say I've ever gotten too much flak for my decision to not want children. My aunt bugged me about it when I was in college, with the old, tired "you're not a real woman if you don't reproduce," but I didn't feel particularly pressured - although I was kind of annoyed by her attitude (you'd have to know that my aunt isn't exactly the best mother in the world to know how little her opinion affected me *G*). On rare occasions I'll make the brief acquaintance of someone who goes on about "when you have your own" but I generally let it go through both ears - I much prefer being able to occasionally dote on someone else's kid and then send them home with their mother at the end of the day.
I do know women who've gotten some grief over this decision, but I figure that's from parents who are either miserable with their own decisions and want company, or from people who simply cannot imagine a world large enough to encompass doing more than one thing with one's life. Why else would it matter to a body what someone else is doing that doesn't directly impact the worrier? (Then again, I feel much the same way about people against gay marriage - how does two men marrying affect YOUR marriage? You afraid your hubby's going to up and leave you for his best friend Bob?) Again, fortunately, nearly all the mothers I know are good moms, enjoy their kids, and don't feel the need to justify their decisions by having others around them make the same one.
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-25 06:22 am (UTC)Thank you for that. What a relief! My version sounds like something out of a slasher film. :p (I've always had a mild phobia concerning doctors and medical procedures.)
"I'm talking biology"
I really think that's why I'll never have kids - the hubby and I just aren't genetically compatible. Though we'll never be able to say so without a doubt. The insurance wouldn't pay for any fertility or compatibility type tests on him. Typical, eh? :/
no subject
Date: 2006-07-25 06:26 am (UTC)