Article on childfree-ness

[veronica_rich]

Found this article courtesy of a childfree community to which I belong. The link for purists is at http://www.standard-freeholder.com/webapp/sitepages/search/results.asp?contentID=118779&catname=Go!&type=search&search1=child-free but I've also put it behind the cut:


Child-free women stand up

Misty Harris
For: www.standard-freeholder.com

Saturday, July 22, 2006 @ 10:00

Female friendships for Sheelagh Semper are all sweetness and support until she reveals she doesn't want kids, something the 30-year-old Canadian designer has known since she was a child.

When she does, a line is drawn in the sandbox and Semper inevitably finds herself on the wrong side.

Although childfree-by-choice women have always endured criticism from other females, it's only recently that people like Semper have chosen to square off against the motherhood mafia: baby-biased women eager to smother any whimper of dissonance in the ranks.

"There has been an assumption among some mothers that I haven't really thought through my decision and can be easily dissuaded from it,'' says Semper.

"It tends to take on the air of proselytizing - it's rude, it's uncomfortable . . . (It's) almost as if you've verbally or physically attacked a person and they now feel they must defend themselves or their values.''

She believes the lack of understanding may stem from other women's own self-doubt, noting that "people tend to fear that which isn't the same as them and begin to question their own choices when presented with an alternative."

Jane Dahl, who by age 18 was requesting a tubal ligation to ensure she never became pregnant, had one woman tell her she was "selfish, immature and irresponsible'' for opting out of motherhood.

"Women tend to judge other women very harshly,'' says Dahl, a 47-year-old trust accountant for the federal government. "If you aren't interested in hearing about colic and spit-up, you aren't part of the club. You're an outsider . . . Now we have our own exclusive club that only we get to join.''

Dahl is referring to Babes Without Babes (babeswithoutbabes.com), one of a growing number of social organizations exclusive to childfree women. Since its inception in September 2004, the Edmonton-based club has grown to a membership of nearly 140 women.

Dahl also belongs to her local branch of No Kidding (edmonton.nokidding.net), which caters more to couples and boasts a worldwide membership of about 10,000 people.

"Child-haters club"

"It's like, 'Oh, you belong to the child-haters club,''' says Amber Noden, the Edmonton No Kidding chapter's 38-year-old founder. "You feel like you have to justify to other women why you've made this decision, whereas somebody who has kids doesn't have to justify their decision to have them.''

Bestselling author Emily Giffin, herself a mother of two, believes the choice to be childfree is one of the last taboos in the female universe.

"It was so interesting to me that women turned on Jennifer Aniston before the Angelina angle came out,'' she says. "They were like, 'She's putting her career in film before having (babies), poor Brad!' Poor Brad? He should be with her regardless of her decision.''

Giffin's new book, Baby Proof, is one of the rare chicklit titles to focus on a childfree woman's refusal to bow to her husband's biological clock. Although she expected a little controversy, the author says the number of readers who find the lead character selfish has taken her aback.

"People are, on the whole, more forgiving of someone who would sleep with their best friend's fiance than of someone who simply doesn't want to be a mother,'' says Giffin, comparing reader reactions to the protagonists in her first book, Something Borrowed, and Baby Proof.

"It shows just how ingrained the whole idea of motherhood is in our society.''

But there may be relief in store for the reported seven per cent of Canadians who don't picture kids in their future.

Although Janice Preville, 51, was long a target of the motherhood mafia - told she was selfish, given the "you'd be a great mom'' pep talk, and warned she would regret her decision - the elementary school teacher believes the tables are finally turning.

"Almost all the girls at work tell me I made the smart choice,'' says Preville, a smile in her voice. "Most of their kids are teenagers now.''


Fortunately, I can't say I've ever gotten too much flak for my decision to not want children. My aunt bugged me about it when I was in college, with the old, tired "you're not a real woman if you don't reproduce," but I didn't feel particularly pressured - although I was kind of annoyed by her attitude (you'd have to know that my aunt isn't exactly the best mother in the world to know how little her opinion affected me *G*). On rare occasions I'll make the brief acquaintance of someone who goes on about "when you have your own" but I generally let it go through both ears - I much prefer being able to occasionally dote on someone else's kid and then send them home with their mother at the end of the day.

I do know women who've gotten some grief over this decision, but I figure that's from parents who are either miserable with their own decisions and want company, or from people who simply cannot imagine a world large enough to encompass doing more than one thing with one's life. Why else would it matter to a body what someone else is doing that doesn't directly impact the worrier? (Then again, I feel much the same way about people against gay marriage - how does two men marrying affect YOUR marriage? You afraid your hubby's going to up and leave you for his best friend Bob?) Again, fortunately, nearly all the mothers I know are good moms, enjoy their kids, and don't feel the need to justify their decisions by having others around them make the same one.

Comments

[sirriamnis.livejournal.com]

"Again, fortunately, nearly all the mothers I know are good moms, enjoy their kids, and don't feel the need to justify their decisions by having others around them make the same one."

I have often said that the people I am no longer friends with who are bad parents, I quit being friends with long before they bred because of the very personality traits that would have (and did) make them bad parents. I don't get these folks who seem to think bad parenting springs from some void.

It would seem you and I are much the same in the friend choosing department.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I try not to pick people who will make my life miserable. I don't mind someone who's a challenge or doesn't always agree with me, but there are just certain people who will drag you down into the Miserable Muck with them, if you allow them to.

[sirriamnis.livejournal.com]

Yup. I've had to do some friendship pruning in the past. It sucks, but sometimes it must be done.

[bohemianbeauty.livejournal.com]

i have a friend who can't wait to have her tubes tied simply because she can't stand kids and doesn't want to ever have any of her own. unfortunately, her parents and immediate family think this is some horrendous thing. but its her body, her choice. i don't see why anyone else has the right to make a big deal about it.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

There's a certain level of legal paranoia involved in NOT tying a woman's tubes simply because there are too many dumb bitches who've had it done voluntarily, signed the waivers, agreed that's what they wanted, gone through screening - and then 5-10 years later, decided they just couldn't adopt to satisfy their mommy-itch, wanted a reversal, were perhaps told for some reason that was not possible, and proceeded to sue the doctor who did the tubal ... and won. So I can sort of sympathize with doctors to a degree - malpractice insurance is NOT cheap.

Otherwise, I agree. Perhaps there needs to be a downward age limit for a tubal for women with no children - no matter what any 16-year-old says, I'd be hesitant about performing that procedure until they had been an adult for at least a little while and still thought that way. But it's ridiculous that a woman in her mid- to late-20s - or older - can't ask for a tubal ligation, yet she can have as many children as she likes.

[philosophercat.livejournal.com]

I can honestly say that I've never had this problem. I don't know why, perhaps there has been enough grief in my family already or that my community is extremely diverse even by Ontarian standards. I have no fixed determination not to have children, but I have no desire to either. Any negativity would be in the form of just warning that if one had surgery or something and then changed her mind later how awful that would be- not that this hypothetical she would have to change her mind. Only that it would be sad if she found herself unable to have children if and when she wanted to.

The sentiment seems to be really strong here that couples or people in general, if you like, should do the responsible thing and only have children if they want them and can care for them properly. Every now and then my mom will despair of not having grandchildren about but when asked if she really wants me to be having kids that badly, she gets over her emotions.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I believe honestly that most people in America are content to let others do what they will with their own bodies, too. It's that nutjob, LOUD, vocal, shrill minority that gets heard, however, more often than not.

[chibikat-wtf.livejournal.com]

Finally, a great article about us childfree! Has this been been x-posted yet to cf_hardcore? I think we need the boost...

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

No, I actually got it from childfree earlier this morning ...

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

I used to get flak for not having kids; Now that it's apparent I just can't, most people completely avoid the topic.

~~

I've been married forever (iow: everyone assumes I must want a full family), but kept jumping back and forth: Do I want kids? Do I not want kids? Without really worrying about it, I racked up about seven miscarriages. Pressure from my mother drove me to the doctor to find out what was going on. (It's most likely the hubby and I aren't compatible.) Now that I know I won't be having any, I'm relieved. (Am I glad to have the decision made for me? Was I only bowing to the outside pressure before? I don't know.)

At the very least, the hubby never really wanted any - so I'm still very happily married. When the topic comes up around my mother, however, she still cries like a baby and manages to make me feel like shit. (She's very much in the "childbirth is the badge of womanhood" posse.)

It's too cool to know there's a club for "the childless." *wonders if vacillaters - like myself - can join*

[heartofslash.livejournal.com]

Seven miscarriages. *hugs you close*

I'm sorry you have to deal with that sort of pressure. It must be more than irritating.

All my mother ever nagged about was "Gee, I wish you two would get married and then I could have a son-in-law I actually like." But after 20 years she's given up on that and calls him her son-in-common-law and seems quite content. *phew*

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you. But it's not as bad as it sounds.

Using the medical jargon, only two of them were miscarriages; most of them where termed "spontaneous abortions" (first trimester miscarriages). I only made the mistake of telling Mom that once. (You can probably imagine the misunderstanding I found myself dealing with. *rolls eyes* ) Now I habitually lump them all together.

They (the SAs) were physically painful, but I generally knew I was pregnant for only a few days, so the emotional pain was almost nonexistent. (A good sign that I didn't really feel the need for a baby, perhaps?)

~~

You're very lucky to have such a nice Mom!

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Actually, my OB/GYN friend told me that all miscarriages are medically-termed spontaneous abortions (if herein "miscarriage" means the end of a pregnancy without interference from the mother or outside injury/procedure). They're just not often called that to patients and the public because of the emotional investments in the "A" word.

That must be hard on a body, to go through all those, though - emotionally perhaps (not to hurt your feelings, but just to be honest - there are many that occur early enough that a woman might never know it), but I'm thinking physically. You have my sympathies.

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

Thank you. But, really, I wonder how many women are indecisive - as I was - and let their lives carry them into a marriage or relationship that includes one or more kids that they'd be better off without. You know what I mean? I think maybe I had it easier than I deserved.

~~~

All but one of the miscarriages happened while I was still 20 - 25 years old, so I think my body bounced back pretty quickly and completely.

I must have misunderstood the bit about "spontaneous abortions." I also seem to remember the procedure for the "cleanup" after an incomplete miscarriage being called a DNC (and that it was short for something like "Dice-age and Cut-l-age"), but when I tried to look it up years later, I found nothing of the sort. I wondered if it wasn't some sort of crude medical practitioner's slang for the abortion procedure (which is basically what the "cleanup" procedure is), or if I just completely misunderstood what they were telling me.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

It's actually called a D & C - a dilation and curettage, which is basically just getting into the uterus to scrape the inner walls, clean it out so infection can't set in. I don't think it's used just in abortion procedures, though.

When a couple has many miscarriages, I always wonder if it's nature's way of telling them THAT sperm and egg are NOT a good idea together (notice I don't drag God or fate into this - I'm talking biology, sort of like trying to put the wrong blood type into someone for a transfusion). It doesn't mean the people wouldn't be good parents.

And yeah, I think far too many people do have children because it's the thing to do, or they have an "oops!" baby and just go with it. Not every child has to be planned, but each one should be welcomed by the person having it, IMO.

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

"It's actually called a D & C - a dilation and curettage"

Thank you for that. What a relief! My version sounds like something out of a slasher film. :p (I've always had a mild phobia concerning doctors and medical procedures.)

"I'm talking biology"

I really think that's why I'll never have kids - the hubby and I just aren't genetically compatible. Though we'll never be able to say so without a doubt. The insurance wouldn't pay for any fertility or compatibility type tests on him. Typical, eh? :/

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

At least now you know there's no such thing as a DNC. You can concentrate more energy on DMC. ;-)

[heartofslash.livejournal.com]

Well, I never thought I'd want to have kids until I met my Dwarf and he was all into having a kid and I was like "okay, let's see how we are in five years or so" and then after 5 years I thought "yeah, he honestly wants to have kids and will do half the work (even though it doesn't always work out perfectly) so let's do it" and then we decided we wanted another and now I'm done. No more. I was never opposed to having children, but there was no way I was going to reproduce until I had some proof I wouldn't be on my own with them.

Just thought I'd get that out of the way before I commented.

I don't understand the crap people give women who don't want to have kids. I grew up with my mum always dissing my aunt for not having children, and it always kind of irked me. I respect someone who recognises that they are not the mother type. I think far more harm is done by women who are utterly unsuited to motherhood, yet feel they must have children because it's expected of them.

I do resent childless people who bitch about paying taxes, becuase public schools and libraries and parks and swimming pools benefit everyone - an educated, fit and socialized populace is what makes a modern civilisation run smoothly. You don't only pay for schools for your own kids - you pay for schools so you'll have a literate generation who will be able to fix your computer and treat your illnesses and do your accounting and work for your company etc. But that could just be me being a godless socialist or something equally Canadian.

I'd say maybe half my female friends have kids, and half have decided not to have kids. I've never had any conflict around the issue, because I respect people's rights. I can't imagine telling someone "Oh, you'd be a great mom. Go on, have some kids." Eek! Talk about bad advice. I would never think to ask a couple "so, when are you going to have a baby?" either. How intrusive! But I guess those sorts of things are more "normal" out there in the mainstream. (Yet another reason to hide from the world!!)

Kids are not for everyone. Heck, some days they're not for me. I don't regret having them. I love them (some days more than others) and try to do what's best for them (also, some days are better than others) and enjoy being a mum (but am really glad they're gone camping with their dad for five days...)

My life would be totally different if I hadn't had them. Seriously, I would have done so many things I've enver been able to do. I would have gone to school properly, full-time, and I would have more of my mortgage paid off and I would probably still fit my clothes from before I had kids. But I try to look on the bright side - I wouldn't have such luscious tits if I hadn't breastfed...

Anyway - good on ya for knowing your mind and not succumbing to stupid peer pressure!

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I think there's all levels of response to having kids, from the "OMG BABEEZ MUST HAVE OR DIE!!!!!!1" all the way to "GET THAT FILTHY, DIRTY LITTLE ANIMAL AWAY FROM ME." LOL. Mine is the "It's okay as long as it's someone else's and it behaves reasonably well" - and will always be. I went through my "want kids" phase as a girl and have grown out of it, rather than the other way around as some women do. (It doesn't hurt my sister is 11 years younger than me and for the longest time was less like a sibling and more like a surrogate kid.)