died, passed, whatever

[veronica_rich]

A few months ago, shortly after my mother died, I read a journal entry where the person was essentially ridiculing the notion of a newspaper reporter not using the word "died" and instead relied on other terms such as "passed on" to talk about death. I made some remark and while I don't remember exactly what I said, the gist was that sometimes this is somebody's wish (and for print it depends on the individual editor and context of the story). I pointed out my mother had just died and it was difficult for me to use "died," though I figured I eventually would.

Her response? To laugh at me. (I grant you I've made fun of people for a lot of things, but never for personal loss or tragedy.) It gave me a new perspective on this fellow fan, one I will not be forgetting anytime soon.

Today I attended a talk given by a woman who talked about her elderly grandmother dying in the hospital after an illness. She told how the grandmother had stuck around long enough to see her granddaughter one last time, and HER young children, despite the pain she'd been in. This happened a few years ago - and the woman still can't say "died." She used the term "passed on" and was visibly saddened at relating the memory.

It's only been four and a half months for me. I can say "died" now. The terminology doesn't bother me, even if the idea still does, and will for a long time. But I know people who can't yet talk about Mom that way, or even their own mothers that way. Or grandmothers, apparently.

It's not ridiculous. It's just coping. (And it's not bad journalism, either - it's a style. It's not my style, but it's not factually inaccurate.)

Comments

[kahva.livejournal.com]

{GROWLS in direction of wherever that person is, whoever they are} My Mom died in April of this year. My Dad died 11 years ago this past July. I switch off between "died" and "passed" or "passed on" for BOTH of them. It's whatever I feel comfortable with at that moment. If I'm getting a bit too emotional, "passed" helps me deal with that emotion. ANYBODY who says that it's wrong or stupid is an insensitive, cold-hearted bastard who right now, as angry as I am about this, I would LOVE to verbally beat down several miles into the ground with my rage. I won't do the physical beating, they're not worth it.

For the record, my Mom was 79 years old, heading towards 80 this year. There are some of her brothers and sisters who I've yet to hear them be able to say "died" when talking about her. Now, with my Mom being 79, that should give you some idea of the ages of her siblings, all but one of them younger than her. Are you, insensitive little $^&$*&)$*(!!!, whoever you are, going to try and tell me that people who are your ELDERS are STUPID for having EMOTIONS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! For LOVING THEIR SISTER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

My apologies, Ver, for raging like this and using language I don't normally resort to. Heaven help whoever that person if I ever meet them face to face; I will deliver that verbal beat-down. {GROWLS}

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I pretty much wanted to deliver a big "Fuck. YOU" at the time. (I noticed since that this person has had someone in her family die recently. I hope she restricts her bitching to her own journal and didn't trot it out at the funeral to make any relatives feel bad.) But I had quickly forgotten it, until I heard this speaker today talking about her grandmother, and it reminded me of that post. (And there was nothing wimpy about this speaker - she's gone through two remissions of breast cancer already.)

[keechakatt.livejournal.com]

Hon, this is still so fresh for you and I can certainly understand how you feel. I also feel like standing in line to deliver a severe flogging to the insensitive arse who laughed at you.

My father passed away 29 years ago, my mom 21. I'm 44 years old and when I was young I couldn't say either one of them "died", "passed on" or any of the above. I just avoided the topic all together. I think the only one I could get out of my mouth was, "they are no longer with us."

Now I'm in the other direction with a blunt, "Their dead." I guess only time allows for that. Not that I don't miss them because I do very much, it's just been a very long time now and it seems like it happened in another life time. I guess in some ways it did.

You have to cope the best way you know how, and say it exactly how you feel the need to express it. If people can't cope with that, to echo your words, "FUCK, YOU!" There I said it, and I feel better for it! ;)

[xenafox.livejournal.com]

I would brick that piece of shit. Seriously. Who the fuck laughs at you over your use of a WORD in dealing with grief? It's not like you did anything insulting or even weird! It's an easily understood concept.

Man, that kind of asshatery fills me with so much anger.

Terminology...I actually find "died" and "dead" easier to deal with than "passed on", for whatever reason. I guess I like to think of them as solidly..somewhere, where the other terms make it feel weird and unfinished. Idk, it's hard to explain. I've only ever had to use these terms on my old cat and my sweet doggie who died in 2007, but still.

[keechakatt.livejournal.com]

I just have to compliment you on the word "asshatery." If you don't mind I may try incorporate that one into my own vocabulary. :)

[xenafox.livejournal.com]

XD Go for it! I actually got the word from one of my friends some years ago and it has left me quite satisfied.

[golden-helikaon.livejournal.com]

That person sounds like she needs to be punched. It's not like it's wrong to use a word other than 'died', if that makes you more comfortable with dealing with it then so be it. For me, personally, I just say 'died' and I always have done, and occasionally the somewhat more crude 'carked it', but my parents are the same so I guess that might be where I get it from.

[benkenobigal.livejournal.com]

What an utter and complete jackhole. To laugh at the way death is coped with??? That's disgusting. I probably would have gone off on her. Class A Bitch.

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

Wow. Karma's gonna be a bitch for that 'fellow fan' (I would hope).

And, yeah, sometimes things like that are difficult to talk about at all. Whatever ways you can find to soften the blow, no one should try to make you feel even worse for using them. (As if "passed on" is some wildly out of place phrase. *rolls eyes* )

[caniad.livejournal.com]

How appallingly insensitive. I generally don't think angry confrontations accomplish much, but in this case I would have ripped that idiot a new one. Dealing with grief -- and choosing certain words when dealing with grief -- is an entirely personal preference.

[roguedemon.livejournal.com]

Please do point me in the direction of that fan so I can deliver an epic, epic, smackdown, okay?

And nobody should ever be criticized for that. Nobody should even have to explain it. Christ.

[a-silver-rose.livejournal.com]

Kee-rist, I use "passed on" with people I don't even know. It's a personal preference. WTF right does that epic bitch have to put you down for your word choice?! I applaud your not going off on this person outright. I doubt I would have had the same long wick on my temper.

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

A defriending is in order. Plain and simple.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Oh, it wasn't a friend of mine in the first place. We only shared a community. Having already done defriendings of two backstabbing jezebels this year, I was certainly glad not to have to worry about a third.

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

You know, this is what I hate about the fandom and Internet dynamics. I can't imagine how anyone could be that callous. Even if they thought that, it would be unlikely that they would voice that to you if you were in a room facing them. They would keep their nasty little opinion to themselves. But something about the Internet structure tends to free people of those social queues that basically make for polite society.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

She had every right to respond as she pleased. It was her journal; I intruded upon her space. (If I've learned one thing from Internet communications, it's that on their own space, people are entitled to say whatever they goddamn well want without regard for anyone else.)

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

I actually disagree with that generally accepted "truism." Yes, in reality people can say what they like and I suppose we have to rely on a natural sort of correction (i.e. other people read that and thought this person was being an insensitive jerk), but you know? Where does that leave us? I, personally, try NOT to exercise that right to say what in the hell I like. Why? I wouldn't insult someone to their face and I try not to do it in my LJ (even if I disagree I try to keep it civil). Because I am always aware there is another person on the other side of that monitor. And I personally think this culture of "this is my space" is the Pandora's box of fandom. Actually, it isn't "our" space. We share it. With a lot of other people. I'm a pretty opinionated person, but I do not think that I have the right to say whatever I damn well please. That mentality caters to the ugly side in all of us.

I've only seen it work against another individual once in all the years I've been on LJ, where a mod defended her right to post something in her LJ and, lo and behold, the following year no one wanted to write for her little fest. The rest of the time people get hurt and marginalized and more often than not a gang mentality sets in and you have, well, case in point, the demise of POTC as a viable fandom. The "anything goes" mentality comes at a great price, IMO.

[the-dark-snack.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of it depends on how you were raised and how death was treated in your family. It was a fact of life in mine and I resented that my mom tried to shelter me from death for the longest time but once she knew that, she stopped and I was good with it.

Death is scary and can be very difficult to deal with. We each grieve and deal with it in our own way. A lot of people just can't deal with those differences and that is their failing.

[lolitalockhart.livejournal.com]

I'm late posting but I'm so, so sorry your mother passed away! I can't imagine living without my mother, and I felt so sad reading this. -Hug.-

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I appreciate it. I always knew statistics were in favor of me outliving her, but I figured I'd be closer to the age at which she died (57), not in my thirties.