If you were a space alien ...

[veronica_rich]

And your only exposure to the human species were having to read fandomsecrets, these would be your lessons:

1. "Earth" is comprised of the USA and western Europe. Any other country is merely part of an elaborate RPG, frozen in time right around 1943.

2. All white people are privileged. All people of color are frustrated.
2a. Never the twain shall meet.

3. "Fapping" is second in Earthly activity only to "shipping." Hitting actors hard is also a popular pastime.

4. If you like fictional male/male relationships, you hate women and little girls. You may also eat fluffy puppies for breakfast.

5. If you like fictional female/female relationships, you're awesome.
5a. Unless you're male, in which case you're just fapping.

6. English is the dominant language, but there are approximately 18 million dialects, rendering anything anyone writes largely incomprehensible to most other readers.

7. There are two accepted default responses to anything anyone says: worshipful agreement or instant anger and offense.

(If you haven't tried it yet, F!S is great nondenominational fannish entertainment. I highly recommend reading it as a stressbuster.)

Comments

[justawench.livejournal.com]

#5 is great.

I don't know that I'd find fandom wars stress-relieving. I prefer watching people argue about movies, poor parenting and politics. That's why I lurk on Fark. :D

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Listen, after all the bitchiness, back-biting, and turncoating I've put up with the past few years, I feel entitled to get some entertainment out of entertainment for a change. :-D

[giselleslash.livejournal.com]

Whenever I feel like I'm a bit too odd, or crazy, or involved too much in a certain part of fandom all I need to do is read those secrets and I'm reminded I'm pretty damn normal.

...and that other people's wank and weirdness is hilarious.

This is a fantastic list - it sums up the comm perfectly.

Oh, those poor aliens...

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I wish I'd had that place a year or more ago. It might've saved me a lot of sanity and feelings of CAPSLOCK STABBITY RAGE to see that the dumbass things going on in my fandom of choice happens everywhere else, too. Exist and learn.

[p0wdermonkey.livejournal.com]

Alien #1: OMG ur disgunsting! What kind of weirdo would want to watch creepy eath peeps aruguing on teh internets? You make me sick!!!

Alien #2: I happen to be secure and happy enough in my identity as a green splodgy blob that I can enjoy learning about what it's like to be a primitive sentient primate. If you don't like, don't read. BTW I am so banning you from my journal. I'm only leaving your comment here to embarrass you.

Alien #3: Ooooh, look at Alien #2 with her fancy spelling! Hugs to Alien #1. Dont worry. She only hates you because your an alien. She obviously hates herself too. We should feel sorry for her and stop flaming her lol!

And so it goes on, and on, and...

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Hmm, human arguing online = alien pr0n. There's a story somewhere in that. I'm not sure I'm a sick enough bastard to do it justice, but surely someone out there, somewhere, IS. :-P