I've hit the wall, I think ...

[veronica_rich]

I am stuck in a rut, creatively speaking. I'm not depressed about it, just confused and rather frustrated.

Since I was a sophomore in high school (18 years ago), I've pushed myself and had no problem doing so. High grades, doing well in jobs, career, trying to pay off debt - all things I've managed to keep up with with no slowdown. Until the last year or so.

It's been a major struggle to motivate myself since about October 2003. The problem lately is that not only do I not feel motivated, I don't even want to work.

I got out of high school with great grades and test scores; I put myself through college on scholarships and made up the difference by working, most times having three concurrent jobs while carrying a full load of classes each semester (and working summers too). When I got out, I got a job with a small newspaper and did very well for several years while I was there, but it eventually came time to leave and move somewhere bigger, so I took a job with another small paper in a big town. It didn't work out, and I left over a year later because of the dicks in management. For the past 4 years, I've lived off freelancing and working part-time jobs; for quite a while now I've been working about 20 hours a week (more if you count the damned commute) in addition to cranking out 3-4 articles a week.

I simply don't have motivation any longer. The stuff I write now will win me no awards - it's standard fare, I am in no position to do bigger and better for the places for which I write, it seems. I've been pretty good at making the most of what I'm handed these past 4 lean years, but the steam has run out. I have to blame myself, not the places for which I write; if I were truly creative, still good at what I did, I should be able to make opportunities of my own. The part-time job I have pays the bills and my boss appreciates me, but it's not even close to what I want to do for a living and there's no future in it, so it's a dead-end.

I think part of it is having to be my own cheerleader, constantly. I have nobody to tell me I'm doing well, and I admit it does help to have that. My first editor was a great fellow who would find at least one good thing to say to me each week - how he motivated himself, I'm still not sure. The second paper, I was constantly struggling against management to do the basic job for which they'd hired me - it sounds illogical, but that's the way it was. (At least I had an "against" to motivate me, there, even if it did make me miserable.)

I'm not miserable now. I'm more dead than anything. I used to never have any free time or a social life, and that damn near burned me out. I still don't have a social life, per se (can't financially afford it), but I don't think one would help motivate me in work. I don't have much time to reflect on what it is I really want to do, as it feels like I am constantly either working or coming up with ideas for what to write in a particular week, and I have to meet a certain quota in order to pay my basic bills (I'm not paid much in any writing job I have, either - the only way to make more money is to write more articles, usually for more places).

This isn't a whine, I guess. I just need to figure out what to do with my life, and I don't really know what that is. I don't have any feelings on the matter ... and that's the problem. Nothing seems to matter, really.

Comments

[nobleplatypus]

*\o/*

There! I made you a little cheerleader! :) It's not especially motivating, but it amuses me.

And for what it's worth, I admire you muchly. And I think you ought to write a book. You may see your writing as "standard fare," but I think you're quite talented, and plenty of stuff that gets published isn't all that good. I mean, look at Dan Brown. His plots are gripping enough, but your fanfic version of slashy!Will Turner could whup any of his characters' asses when it comes to dimensionality. And Dan Brown is selling like hotcakes (probably better than hotcakes, really... you don't hear much about a thriving hotcake industry).

The point is, I think you're talented enough to go places with your writing that don't necessarily include small papers. And if you're in a creative rut--it happens! I had to abandon the Sequel for over 6 months because I was burned out, and now the ideas are flowing again. You just have to find your creativity (it's in there somewhere, I promise) and make it dance for you. It helps to stand in public places screaming, "DANCE, BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. ;)

And if you ever need more encouragement (or a kick in the ass), just let me know. I'm online pretty much incessantly. :D

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

It helps to stand in public places screaming, "DANCE, BITCH!" at the top of your lungs.

At your age, the authorities think that's cute and tack it up to too much drinking or sugar. At my age, they put you in a padded cell and a custom-fitted white coat, and don't let you have a laptop to write Slashy!Will or anything else, muchly. :-(

Still, I suppose I could sit in the corner at Panera and stare at people in the dining room. They've run me out a few times, but nobody's caught me yet ahahahahahaha.

I like writing Will. It's fun. It just takes too much energy and I can't figure out where all my energy is being drained to. I'm only 32; when I was your age, I could go 20 hours straight and get by on 4 hours of sleep a night. But thanks for the vote of confidence, and I'll see your Cherry Coke and raise you a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper (no, there is NOT prune juice in it!).

[nobleplatypus]

Awwww... and here I was, naively thinking that one could NEVER be too old to scream, "DANCE, BITCH!" in public! Alas. ;)

You could sit in a corner at Panera and write down amusing things you overhear. Then make a big book called "The Panera Diaries." Hehehehe.

Hmmmm. You need an energy sieve or something. And there's such a thing as Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper?! *awed*

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Yes! It's BETTER than Cherry Coke!

[nobleplatypus]

Ohhhh, I dunno about it being better. I've never been a huge fan of vanilla in general, let alone putting it in pop. Vanilla Coke/Pepsi just tastes narsty to me.

[captsparrow4evr.livejournal.com]

I feel for you, love. I wish I were good at the cheerleader thing. Just know you aren't alone.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I would like a nice cave to hide in and reflect and pause and think for a while, is all. Real life is hard; not that it hasn't always been such, and not that I'm new to it, but I can usually keep it from piling up on me better than this ...

Have you found another job yet? Seems like you said something some time ago about looking, or finding a lead, or some such thing.

[captsparrow4evr.livejournal.com]

No, not yet. I did have a line on a job writing articles for a consumer tech magazine. I really wanted the job but, well, once I went in for the interview, it became really obvious that we were not a good fit. I think it was the dress code that really killed it for me. I think it was my lack of panty-hose that killed it for them. *sigh* Back to square one.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

A dress code for writers. *shakes head* It's not like you were doing PR shiznit (which isn't real writing, just really well-paid writing). Then again, maybe that's how they weed down the applicants - it's a horrid economy out there, with 200 people for every job, so you have to jump through an extremely narrow hoop (or know someone) to get it.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_seraphina_/]

and people wonder why i´m so "ahhhhhhhh" about getting out into the real world...perpetual student life for this little serph me thinks. and i do tend to agree with nobleplatypus i think you have enough talent to go beyond what you´re doing...just gotta find the inspiration i guess...but i shall too cheer from the sidelines, as long as it doesn´t involve me wearing one of those kitch skirts...the wrold is not ready for that.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Perpetual student life is fine ... but eventually you have to pay for it! LOL

[smtfhw.livejournal.com]

I have a theory that most (if not all) women have a crisis of confidence somewhere between 30 and 35, and everything goes to hell in a handcart for a spell. I have no real idea why it happens, but what you describe sounds exactly like it. I wonder sometimes if it's just the fact that many of the impractical, implausible dreams you has at 20 have failed to materialise, you're not running the world, and you find yourself wondering what on earth went wrong. Sometime a little later you'll suddenly become aware of just how much you have acheived, and you'll get your energy back and your enthusiasm. I've seen it happen so often; just try to go with it...

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting theory, and probably not entirely incorrect. It also doesn't help, in my case, that I really have gone downhill from what I was - I used to be an award-winning reporter and assistant editor, fully using my English degree. Now I'm a freelancer writing what seems to be mostly hack and pap (as to differentiate myself from freelancers who are doing good things), and working part-time as a secretary. (Really, how could that be construed as going up in the world?)

I'll keep what you wrote in mind. I just wish I knew of a way to motivate myself NOW.

[a-silver-rose.livejournal.com]

Sorry to add more to the line of it'll-get-better-in-the-long-run, but . . .

If there is such a crisis for women from 30-35, I think I am on the tail end of it. You know exactly what I've been through, having listened to/read all of my diatribes on how low my life had sunk at times. Ironically, when I was at my lowest was when I was doing most of my writing, especially my most emotionally intense writing. I think it's something abut having to experience pain and such yaddayaddayadda in order to produce your best stuff. And before that low time in my life, when I was working at you-know-where, I was doing little if anyhing writing-wise in my free time, at first because I thought I had no energy, but also because my soul was being held hostage (a fact I was only able to fully acknowledge after I left that place).

I'm babbling. I know . . .

My point is that I am at the end of that phase you arein the middle of right now. There is an end to it. Trust me. And you will realize what matters then even if you don't now.

- Silver Rose

[http://users.livejournal.com/_seraphina_/]

lol, well there is that but the australian government came up with this wonderful idea that we can not pay forour course until we?re out in the real wrold and are earning over a certain amount...my theory is if i never work, i?ll never have to pay off my course

[ms-daisy-cutter.livejournal.com]

Could you be clinically depressed?

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I probably could be, but the only benefit of recognizing that is the ability to try to think of things to head off the symptoms. I don't have any health insurance, and treatment is too expensive.