I need an icon for "tired" if not precisely "old"

[veronica_rich]

I've been trying not to feel old lately, as I often have a penchant of doing - after all, I'm only 38, which isn't old at all - but the world is conspiring against me. For one, the other night we went to see a movie and there was a preview for the remake of "Footloose." At first I thought it was superfluous (well, okay, it IS), but then I realized it's been almost 30 years since the original was made. I had not kept track that that much time had passed; I remember when the original came out, being in junior high!

Nevertheless, no matter how young I might still be, I am at that "old" that I and my peers saw as old when we were teenagers. People our parents' age, with responsibilities and bills and nearly mid-life crises (can one of those hit in your mid-30s? I think mine did). People we didn't really understand and who were vaguely mysterious in their adult knowledge and activities. Or, you know, at least we thought they knew and did a lot more than we did - after all, they could drink directly from the can of chocolate sauce in the fridge without anyone yelling at them, since they paid for it.

Thus, I present, at 38, what I think are the two hardest parts of getting older. I'm sure it'll change when I'm actually OLD, and involve actual hardships of aging:

1. Being able to continue defining yourself. Figuring out what you want to do. I write much less than I used to, and it worries me. I was always a writer - not the best one, not the most prolific one, but a writer. Well, what does a writer who stops writing call themselves? I imagine this is the case for people who do other things, like teaching, painting, construction, etc., too. How do they handle it? (Now I know why Mom always seemed like she was no fun and had no hobbies - she was too busy shopping for groceries, cooking them, doing housework, working, and paying bills. Ugh.)

2. Deciding when other people can tell you what to do. This one is hard, since we spend our entire childhoods having people order us around, and as we enter the workforce, the same holds true. After all the years I've spent in my career doing what I do, you'd think I'd be an expert at something about it. But I've learned you should never start feeling too good about the job you're doing, because somebody will always be able to point out how you could be doing it better - and at least sometimes, they'll be right. The trick - the one I'm still figuring out - is when to accept that someone is right and I am wrong, and when to call bullshit. When I was 22, I let an awful lot of people who knew nothing about my daily job make me think they knew more about it than I did (which, they would've, had they been in the same job themselves, because I was so young). Once in a while I still have the tendency to start thinking that way, when there are times I shouldn't. Largely I know who to listen to and who to ignore - but whereas when I was a teen and figured people this age had figured that out, I know better now.

Comments

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

I think that the world is constantly changing. Technology, medicine, science, social movements, etc. all contribute to an evolving (or devolving!) state of affairs. Why would you think you would be constant. Why would you think you wouldn't have to do any personal work if the world around you is changing. THOSE are precisely the people that I cannot stand. Those who took a position at thirty and are unwilling to look outside the careful little box. I don't think you need to say you aren't a writer anymore. You write a ton here. It might not be fiction, but you write. You just write different things. You write about politics and your joys and your frustrations, etc. I think you're worrying too much about the writer you were. Maybe you're becoming a different kind of writer. Maybe THIS kind of writing is more relevant to you now.

I think you're looking for something that is fixed. I can do this to perfection. My goals are met. How sterile. Why not just accept that it's all a learning process. That we can always take it up a notch or two. That once we become "experts" the joy of learning something new is done. That there is NO SHAME in learning a new task or making something better. I think the danger is to assume that you have a lock on something. Maybe someone is wrong but maybe they are right. You need to listen and based on your experience move forward. If you make a mistake, okay, no harm no foul. You've learned something. If this person is proven wrong, then you know that they can be wrong and file that away.

I get the sense that you're looking for terra firma and I don't think is terra firma. If there was, life would be pretty damn boring.

How do they handle it? We grit out teeth a lot. That's why I started writing. Because I was staggering under an avalanche of minutia, and if I didn't start doing something for me that was an expression of just me, I think I would have crawled into a mental hole and not come out.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I like thinking. I like having ideas. The problem seems to be laziness in its purest form. Several years ago you wouldn't have been able to keep up with me. I worked multiple jobs, chased every publication with ideas to sell, and had quite a bit of energy. But then I got sick and tired (literally - in that order), and discovered the joys of slowing down and not running like a headless fool. Now it's difficult to get motivated to go back to what I was before, even though I liked it better. It will require a great deal of energy and I just have to find it somewhere. (On a related sort of note, I feel lazy and guilty now for not writing so much for work, now that I'm doing more of the editing/assigning thing. I wonder if this is at all common or just me, in that kind of duties/job transition.)

[pktaxwench.livejournal.com]

Since I'm hanging up my accountant career on a peg for the next 18 years and being a stay at home mom (because that's what good Army wives do...and I'm too cheap to pay for daycare) I still plan on calling myself an accountant because those that call themselves 'full time moms' usually do it because they've failed at everything else in life. I've an accounting degree, no one can take away I'm an accountant. I'm just unemployed by choice. :D

Of course, I thought you were a reporter, not a writer. "Writer" is one of those jobs that you pat someone on the head and say 'oh, so you're looking for work?' Anyone can write... as evidenced by my writing right here... well, typing, but anyway.... what is the final product used for? Novelists produce novels, for example. Columunists write colums for publications. Writer is just a verb turned noun.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Eh, it's a bit more complicated than that. To wit - I never wanted to be a reporter, and I spent many years doing it just so I could get paid for writing. But during that time I was also a columnist for part of it ... published two original short stories, fiction ... written editorials ... and written a bunch of fanfic. The writing itself as a concentrated effort goes back to when I was 14 years old, so that 25 years outdistances anything I've ever done to capitalize on it. Maybe a writer without ideas is just a writer waiting for ideas? ;-)

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

I'm 57 and it's actually quite a bit simpler: what doesn't hurt in the morning defines the day. As for 'defining oneself'---that never stops. What does stop is putting up with crap. Post-50, you can definitely pull the 'I'm an old fart, piss off!' or 'Do you always talk to folks your grandma's age with that mouth?'. *wink* (mind you, I'm not saying either tactic is right, but they both work for getting folks off one's back in a hurry. I also find that the more I know people, the more I appreciate plants. *snickers*)

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wish to be old before I really want to be, just so I can be even more caustic than I am now, but get away with it. When you're in your 30s and do that, people frown upon you as antisocial or bitchy, but when you're older, you can get away with it as a normal part of life. :-)

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

That's absolutely true! It really is. Once you get post-50, you can practically tell someone to 'fuck off' to their face, and they will just shrug and figure "cranky old bitch" and try to get away from you instead of engaging the battle. *snerk* Age trumps manners for the most part----if you're old or very young, you can get away with a lot. (not that there ARE any manners anymore to notice in the general population....but I digress. *giggle) I'm wondering now what differences I will see post-60!

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

I like your "hardest points." Though I think your point about re-"defining yourself" is an unavoidable necessity these days. (Says she who is working on in a sinking bookstore ship.)

You are a writer. Never doubt it. Your journal is proof enough. Your job as an editor underlines that fact. *waves pom-poms for emphasis*

I had no idea they were remaking Footloose. lol! Have you seen the new X-Men movie? ("X-Men First Class" iirc.) Kevin Bacon is one of the baddies. I kept hoping he'd start doing The Twist or The Locomotion, just because. :-p (The movie was set in the 1960s.)

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Awww, thanks, man. I appreciate it! :-D

(Oh yes. Not only did they remake Footloose, it looks like they've duplicated how the seminal scenes were shot. Which just kind of made me drop my mouth open. Like - really?)

[keechakatt.livejournal.com]

Maybe because of my illness, I've already reached the piss off phase. While I can't and won't do that to everyone, I won't be pushed over like I was in my 20's.

I'm nearly 46 and for the first time in my life started directing me. If it's not fulfilling I don't linger anymore. If I want something I pursue it. I don't look to my past to define who I am anymore, because that shy introverted girl doesn't exist anymore.


Everyone is different of course. I've just found freedom instead of a midlife question.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Well, I already don't suffer fools well. I think I might be better off if I could learn to - make me more sociable and nicer. But you make very good points (especially considering your illness). *nod*

[beldar.livejournal.com]

What I've discovered is that the further you go past 40, the more you start to develop the "Murtaugh list" ("Lethal Weapon" reference -- "I'm getting too old for this $#!+"). Kind of a companion to the "bucket list." For me it tends to come down to certain people and relationships -- life's too short to let Xxx make mine stressful, or, to run myself ragged helping run a certain convention with nothing to show for it and more complaints than compliments.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Heh, the "Murtaugh list" was on "How I Met Your Mother!" I know what you mean, LOL. I'm sort of already there at THIS age.

(I told W I worked late and forgot the KidsPlay last Tuesday - I had forwarded the invitation to myself at work so I'd write it on my planner, and it got lost in the work email and press releases. X( Sorry!)

[keechakatt.livejournal.com]

This is the truth. After 40 you really start to think what your time is worth. It's not all about the money, but how much energy you expend. You get to the point you want peace. Toxic, dramatic people get knocked off the list in priority.

It can be construed as being selfish, but it's self preservation.

[soleilpirate.livejournal.com]

At the risk of being irreverent, here you go!



Seriously though, I understand what you're saying. I'm only two years younger than you. It's all in your attitude, I think. If you can still get down on your hands and knees like a child and play, if you can still laugh at the ridiculousness of life, if you can still feel awed at the sight of a rainbow, a puppy, a newborn, you're all right. Hey, I found grey hairs at my temples recently, and my kids all told me I had moonbeams to go with my sunshine hair. It's things like that that keep you young at heart!

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Oh, I can see the ridiculousness in life, all right. Unfortunately, much of it is in the people who are supposed to be running the institutions that govern my life, and it's hard to find people trying to take your autonomy away just because you don't have wealth or a penis funny. I have to watch Jon Stewart to remind me sometimes that not all my fellow voters are taken in by the circus. Maybe I just need to find a hobby to play with again.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

You've probably moved on, but I'm catching up *g*

I'm pretty much where you are, with Footloose and everything. The last time I actually laughed during House was when the youngest team member didn't recognise 'Ferris Bueller' as a made up name. Sigh. The worst thing is that when I was a kid I thought being an adult would mean that I'd automatically 'know what to do' in any given situation. I resent it that I still don't, but I now have to pretend I do, more or less. LOL.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I sort of hate sometimes when I see people who look like traditional adults with teenage kids and houses and Thanksgiving obligations and such - and it turns out they're my age or younger.