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writerly thoughts
Mar. 28th, 2016 02:33 pmI like to watch the Hallmark Channel late at night and Saturday mornings for Golden Girls reruns. I also get all those commercials for original Hallmark movies - you know the kind, straight white couples falling in love in improbable circumstances that in real life would probably lead one to beat the crap out of the other or, at the very least, never speak again.
On Saturday I was playing Sudoku and didn’t feel like changing the channel, so I got in on one of those movies, titled “For Better or Worse,” I think. First, it wasn’t a bad movie; it just wasn’t very good, but I’m always down to see Lisa Whelchel and Kim Fields in a pseudo Facts of Life reunion, so that was the positive. The kid playing her (adult) son was kind of hot, if way too young for me. And there’s a soothing pleasure in the little towns in these movies, where there are all these little shops for coffee, wedding planning, boutique places, yet the town/city is apparently still large enough to have some sort of dancing event on any given night (I can’t even find nightly live dancing in my city outside of a club, really, and I live in a Top 20 U.S. city. That’s probably my fault).
Anyway, the basic plot is: Lisa Whelchel is a widow dating Mr. Vanilla, with an adult son, Lil’ Hottie, in college. She runs a wedding planning business with Kim Fields, which she used to own with her late husband. Enter Mr. Trouble, a divorced divorce attorney who opens his practice in the same shop duplex/entrance as Lisa’s wedding business and immediately puts up a “PRENUPTIALS” ad sign. Boo.
One evening, Lil’ Hottie shows up with his girlfriend, Sophia (her actual name; I didn’t make that one up). They’ve been dating a couple of months, and Lisa hasn’t even heard of her yet. Lil’ Hottie informs Mom Lisa that he’s become a vegan, as Sophia is, and they have a surprise. That night, they show up to the house again with Mr. Trouble, who just happens to be Sophia’s dad, because why not. The dinner of veal parmigiana goes uneaten because (1) Lil’ Hottie has renounced his Favorite Food in favor of Sophia, of course and (2) the parents get upset when he and Sophia announce they’re dropping out of law school to buy an organic farm and get married. Mr. Trouble is particularly upset because Sophia is supposed to become his law partner after graduation - he even had a sign made with both their pictures (really. He did).
The long and the short of this movie is that the parents eventually get along to conspire to break up the young couple, though not very strenuously; Kim dispenses her Wise Black Friend Advice throughout; Lisa and Mr. Vanilla amicably figure out they’re not right for each other and he begins dating Mr. Trouble’s dance class partner instead (actually the one overwhelmingly positive point of this plot, if not terribly realistically executed); the parents relent about the kids and decide to throw Lil’ Hottie and Sophia the Best Farm Dream Wedding Ever on one day’s notice; and the parents decide in addition to being in-laws, they’ll fall in love too.
This movie was like fanfic, but not terribly advanced or nuanced fanfic - it’s like the early fanfic I wrote when I was in my 20s and they were all about the man and the woman falling in love and ending basically at that point. Except Hallmark gives you a kiss while dancing, whereas I gave you some fucking and an unrealistically syrupy morning-after. Semantics. (Incidentally, there’s nothing wrong with Early Fanfic or Het Fanfic, but then again, I never received money for mine nor expected to ever see it on TV.) Anyway, there were some really basic questions/thoughts I had at the end of this movie, the following of which is NOT a complete list:
1. Lisa and Kim look really, really good for a couple of broads in their late 40s or early 50s, and after having kids. I say that as a broad in my mid-40s with no kids.
2. As part of their Let’s Break Up The Kids Campaign, Lisa and Mr. Trouble send them to her priest for premarital counseling, figuring the padre will set them right about the hardships of married life. Instead, the priest talks to them for approximately seven minutes in his rectory and announces to the parents that these two 22-year-olds have made due deliberation and know exactly what they’re getting into - i.e., sinking all their money into a big farmhouse and property without having any background in farming whatsoever - and are very impressive. Eh, what can you expect from someone who’s prohibited from ever getting married?
3. As another part of their Let’s Break Up The Kids Campaign, Lisa calls up Lil’ Hottie’s old girlfriend, Emily, and contrives a situation for them to spend time together working at the church for something, after which they decide to go to their old favorite restaurant. It’s later revealed the two talk over dinner about his marriage plans and how she’s happy for him and Sophia. They stand at the end of the meal to platonically hug and say goodbye, during which Sophia walks in, because why not. Instead of realizing they’re all three dressed, in the middle of a large, filled dining room at a very public restaurant, and that Lil’ Hottie is going to have friends of both sexes from his past in his hometown, Sophia assumes the worst and runs out - because she’s 22 and nobody should be getting married and changing careers at 22 after knowing the other person for eight weeks. Nobody should be getting married and changing careers at 44 or 66 after knowing someone else for eight weeks, but the 44-year-old is likely to simply shrug at the sight of their S.O. hugging someone in a public place. The 66-year-old is just glad they’re able to climb the steps unassisted into the restaurant.
4. When the parents come clean to the kids, the kids tell them they’re tired of interference, and now excuse us, we’re going to go get our wedding license and put the down payment on the farmhouse and land. Lisa and Mr. Trouble decide to stage the surprise wedding the very next day at the farmhouse, and not tell the kids until they get there on some pretext or other. The movie never really tells us where this town is located, but maybe it’s Sevier County, Tennessee, or someplace in Nevada, because there aren’t many places where you can get your marriage license and get married the very next day. There REALLY aren’t many places where you can put a down payment on a house and your family gets free reign to tromp on the grounds that day or early the next morning to stage an elaborate wedding. I mean hell, escrow lasts as long as the kids have been dating, unless I miss my guess.
5. At the end of the movie, while everybody is dancing after the wedding in front of the (of course) immaculately clean, decorated barn, a baby goat frolics among the dancers. Now being a vegan doesn’t preclude you from having pets, of course - many do - and being an organic farmer can just mean you’re going to stick to crops and flowers, with no livestock. But there’s been no indication so far that this farmstead had any livestock that came with its purchase, and the kids didn’t bring the goat when they came to the surprise wedding - so where did it come from? More importantly, why is it there? Are the kids going to keep livestock as pets? Or are they going to attempt to raise organic livestock in addition to crops, in which case, way to go, hypocrites; even if they don’t slaughter them and simply sell, say, goat cheese and lotions, and/or eggs, milk, and the like, that still violates the whole vegan thing (it would’ve been much more realistic to make them vegetarians, for this purpose).
6. Of course, all the preceding can be explained away by realizing that Hallmark movies are fantasy wish fulfillment - just like fanfic. The problem with this *particular* Hallmark movie is that it isn’t clear whose fantasy is playing out here. Another movie called “Flower Girl” was about a woman who works in a flower shop, who meets two different men and has to choose between them - the story is told from her POV and in that sense, it’s logical. “For Better or Worse” seems fantasy wish fulfillment for Sophia, who gets her farm, Lil’ Hottie, and apparently, enough money from somewhere at the age of 22 to put a down payment on a big farmhouse and farm (why no, I’m not bitter that at 44 and after a career that’s older than Sophia, I don’t have enough for a basic house). HOWEVER … the story is told through the POV of Lisa, who is clearly unhappy for most of the movie that her son is leaving school for a career he’s never ever mentioned wanting, and with a woman he’s known for about ten minutes. Lisa and Sophia do not have the same goals, so why is Sophia’s fantasy being told through Lisa’s eyes?
If you read this far, congratulations! You get to catch a Virtual Sad Single Girl Wedding Bouquet.
On Saturday I was playing Sudoku and didn’t feel like changing the channel, so I got in on one of those movies, titled “For Better or Worse,” I think. First, it wasn’t a bad movie; it just wasn’t very good, but I’m always down to see Lisa Whelchel and Kim Fields in a pseudo Facts of Life reunion, so that was the positive. The kid playing her (adult) son was kind of hot, if way too young for me. And there’s a soothing pleasure in the little towns in these movies, where there are all these little shops for coffee, wedding planning, boutique places, yet the town/city is apparently still large enough to have some sort of dancing event on any given night (I can’t even find nightly live dancing in my city outside of a club, really, and I live in a Top 20 U.S. city. That’s probably my fault).
Anyway, the basic plot is: Lisa Whelchel is a widow dating Mr. Vanilla, with an adult son, Lil’ Hottie, in college. She runs a wedding planning business with Kim Fields, which she used to own with her late husband. Enter Mr. Trouble, a divorced divorce attorney who opens his practice in the same shop duplex/entrance as Lisa’s wedding business and immediately puts up a “PRENUPTIALS” ad sign. Boo.
One evening, Lil’ Hottie shows up with his girlfriend, Sophia (her actual name; I didn’t make that one up). They’ve been dating a couple of months, and Lisa hasn’t even heard of her yet. Lil’ Hottie informs Mom Lisa that he’s become a vegan, as Sophia is, and they have a surprise. That night, they show up to the house again with Mr. Trouble, who just happens to be Sophia’s dad, because why not. The dinner of veal parmigiana goes uneaten because (1) Lil’ Hottie has renounced his Favorite Food in favor of Sophia, of course and (2) the parents get upset when he and Sophia announce they’re dropping out of law school to buy an organic farm and get married. Mr. Trouble is particularly upset because Sophia is supposed to become his law partner after graduation - he even had a sign made with both their pictures (really. He did).
The long and the short of this movie is that the parents eventually get along to conspire to break up the young couple, though not very strenuously; Kim dispenses her Wise Black Friend Advice throughout; Lisa and Mr. Vanilla amicably figure out they’re not right for each other and he begins dating Mr. Trouble’s dance class partner instead (actually the one overwhelmingly positive point of this plot, if not terribly realistically executed); the parents relent about the kids and decide to throw Lil’ Hottie and Sophia the Best Farm Dream Wedding Ever on one day’s notice; and the parents decide in addition to being in-laws, they’ll fall in love too.
This movie was like fanfic, but not terribly advanced or nuanced fanfic - it’s like the early fanfic I wrote when I was in my 20s and they were all about the man and the woman falling in love and ending basically at that point. Except Hallmark gives you a kiss while dancing, whereas I gave you some fucking and an unrealistically syrupy morning-after. Semantics. (Incidentally, there’s nothing wrong with Early Fanfic or Het Fanfic, but then again, I never received money for mine nor expected to ever see it on TV.) Anyway, there were some really basic questions/thoughts I had at the end of this movie, the following of which is NOT a complete list:
1. Lisa and Kim look really, really good for a couple of broads in their late 40s or early 50s, and after having kids. I say that as a broad in my mid-40s with no kids.
2. As part of their Let’s Break Up The Kids Campaign, Lisa and Mr. Trouble send them to her priest for premarital counseling, figuring the padre will set them right about the hardships of married life. Instead, the priest talks to them for approximately seven minutes in his rectory and announces to the parents that these two 22-year-olds have made due deliberation and know exactly what they’re getting into - i.e., sinking all their money into a big farmhouse and property without having any background in farming whatsoever - and are very impressive. Eh, what can you expect from someone who’s prohibited from ever getting married?
3. As another part of their Let’s Break Up The Kids Campaign, Lisa calls up Lil’ Hottie’s old girlfriend, Emily, and contrives a situation for them to spend time together working at the church for something, after which they decide to go to their old favorite restaurant. It’s later revealed the two talk over dinner about his marriage plans and how she’s happy for him and Sophia. They stand at the end of the meal to platonically hug and say goodbye, during which Sophia walks in, because why not. Instead of realizing they’re all three dressed, in the middle of a large, filled dining room at a very public restaurant, and that Lil’ Hottie is going to have friends of both sexes from his past in his hometown, Sophia assumes the worst and runs out - because she’s 22 and nobody should be getting married and changing careers at 22 after knowing the other person for eight weeks. Nobody should be getting married and changing careers at 44 or 66 after knowing someone else for eight weeks, but the 44-year-old is likely to simply shrug at the sight of their S.O. hugging someone in a public place. The 66-year-old is just glad they’re able to climb the steps unassisted into the restaurant.
4. When the parents come clean to the kids, the kids tell them they’re tired of interference, and now excuse us, we’re going to go get our wedding license and put the down payment on the farmhouse and land. Lisa and Mr. Trouble decide to stage the surprise wedding the very next day at the farmhouse, and not tell the kids until they get there on some pretext or other. The movie never really tells us where this town is located, but maybe it’s Sevier County, Tennessee, or someplace in Nevada, because there aren’t many places where you can get your marriage license and get married the very next day. There REALLY aren’t many places where you can put a down payment on a house and your family gets free reign to tromp on the grounds that day or early the next morning to stage an elaborate wedding. I mean hell, escrow lasts as long as the kids have been dating, unless I miss my guess.
5. At the end of the movie, while everybody is dancing after the wedding in front of the (of course) immaculately clean, decorated barn, a baby goat frolics among the dancers. Now being a vegan doesn’t preclude you from having pets, of course - many do - and being an organic farmer can just mean you’re going to stick to crops and flowers, with no livestock. But there’s been no indication so far that this farmstead had any livestock that came with its purchase, and the kids didn’t bring the goat when they came to the surprise wedding - so where did it come from? More importantly, why is it there? Are the kids going to keep livestock as pets? Or are they going to attempt to raise organic livestock in addition to crops, in which case, way to go, hypocrites; even if they don’t slaughter them and simply sell, say, goat cheese and lotions, and/or eggs, milk, and the like, that still violates the whole vegan thing (it would’ve been much more realistic to make them vegetarians, for this purpose).
6. Of course, all the preceding can be explained away by realizing that Hallmark movies are fantasy wish fulfillment - just like fanfic. The problem with this *particular* Hallmark movie is that it isn’t clear whose fantasy is playing out here. Another movie called “Flower Girl” was about a woman who works in a flower shop, who meets two different men and has to choose between them - the story is told from her POV and in that sense, it’s logical. “For Better or Worse” seems fantasy wish fulfillment for Sophia, who gets her farm, Lil’ Hottie, and apparently, enough money from somewhere at the age of 22 to put a down payment on a big farmhouse and farm (why no, I’m not bitter that at 44 and after a career that’s older than Sophia, I don’t have enough for a basic house). HOWEVER … the story is told through the POV of Lisa, who is clearly unhappy for most of the movie that her son is leaving school for a career he’s never ever mentioned wanting, and with a woman he’s known for about ten minutes. Lisa and Sophia do not have the same goals, so why is Sophia’s fantasy being told through Lisa’s eyes?
If you read this far, congratulations! You get to catch a Virtual Sad Single Girl Wedding Bouquet.
