![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
how to banish self-guilt
May. 7th, 2015 03:37 pmI don't know the answer to the title. If any of you know, let ME know. What I'm referring to is the attempt to do this very thing, in order to not feel a nagging weight on me all the time.
I haven't written in quite a while, and I feel bad about that. I grew up reading a lot of really good published writers, and when I was about 12 or 14, I decided it'd be neat to try to be one of them for other readers. Well, I've had plenty of opportunity and I haven't even ever finished writing a book to try to market to a publisher, so I think I may be spinning wheels at this point.
Last night I was making a list of hobbies I've had because I'm looking for something new to try, and I realized although I'm no Most Interesting Man in the World, I've done a LOT of things and tried a lot of things in my life. It occurred to me that maybe the reason I'm not writing so much anymore is because I had 25 or more years of that, and it's possible that like other things I've done, I've gotten bored with it and can't see anything new I can do with it. (Once I've gotten bored with something, I almost never go back to it. Bouts of doing exercise is about the only thing, and that's because I need to at least TRY to stay moving a little bit every day or other day since I sit so much at work, and I don't care for sports or gardening, anything like that to get me out of the house.)
Anyway. I'm seeking a new career/line of work while also trying to find new hobbies, and at 42 it isn't easy. I realize most of you reading this will understand what I mean since most of you skew toward A Certain Age too, but one of the things I've picked up on the youth-dominated Tumblr is that young people REALLY don't understand there's a difference between being 15 or 20, and middle-aged. I get the feeling they think we're all a bunch of fat, spoiled, out-of-touch assholes who have never gone through what they are experiencing and that our lives have never been rough AND OH DOG I SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER USED TO. It had to happen someday.
But no. I kind of understand some things about my grandparents and parents better now. I have limitations I didn't have at 25. For one, I'm just medically closer to death and I have issues now that I didn't then. I don't have the energy level I used to, and I have different concerns financially too. Back then I could incur a little debt and figure I'd eventually earn my way out of it, through a better job, whatever. Now I realize that's kind of a pipe dream. Now I'm not in debt and have a savings account ... but something could happen tomorrow to drain that dry and put me right back in debt. I have no illusions I'm at all safe, and I have a lot less time to try to dig out of something like that than I used to. And I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're 25 and get offended, but there are things YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND until you're old, or at least older. I really try not to be ageist, but yeah, there's a sound reason for saying that age differences matter in some situations (and it's almost never beneficial for the older person, trust me).
Despite all this, and health problems, I don't feel "old" most of the time. When I'm dressed for a work event and look in the mirror and see that middle-aged woman with the glasses and the grayish hair, it takes a couple of seconds sometimes to register that it's ME. People in their twenties call me ma'am and treat me differently than they used to, because I look the age I am. It's crazy, because I remember the person who made cosplay costumes and went to conventions (not that long ago in fact) and sat around cross-legged on the floor at a con in 1994 learning about fan art and slash and discussing fanfic and Star Trek with a bunch of other twentysomethings. And I still have the desire to learn new things and move around and not stay in one place the rest of my life (even if my knees want to say otherwise!).
So yeah. Maybe the writing was a passing thing, longer than most other things, and maybe I'll want to pick it up again here and there. I wish I knew if other people had run into this same problem. My experience around other writers has been "once a writer, always a writer" so I sort of feel like there's something abnormal or wrong about what I'm dealing with in my brain. LOL
I haven't written in quite a while, and I feel bad about that. I grew up reading a lot of really good published writers, and when I was about 12 or 14, I decided it'd be neat to try to be one of them for other readers. Well, I've had plenty of opportunity and I haven't even ever finished writing a book to try to market to a publisher, so I think I may be spinning wheels at this point.
Last night I was making a list of hobbies I've had because I'm looking for something new to try, and I realized although I'm no Most Interesting Man in the World, I've done a LOT of things and tried a lot of things in my life. It occurred to me that maybe the reason I'm not writing so much anymore is because I had 25 or more years of that, and it's possible that like other things I've done, I've gotten bored with it and can't see anything new I can do with it. (Once I've gotten bored with something, I almost never go back to it. Bouts of doing exercise is about the only thing, and that's because I need to at least TRY to stay moving a little bit every day or other day since I sit so much at work, and I don't care for sports or gardening, anything like that to get me out of the house.)
Anyway. I'm seeking a new career/line of work while also trying to find new hobbies, and at 42 it isn't easy. I realize most of you reading this will understand what I mean since most of you skew toward A Certain Age too, but one of the things I've picked up on the youth-dominated Tumblr is that young people REALLY don't understand there's a difference between being 15 or 20, and middle-aged. I get the feeling they think we're all a bunch of fat, spoiled, out-of-touch assholes who have never gone through what they are experiencing and that our lives have never been rough AND OH DOG I SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER USED TO. It had to happen someday.
But no. I kind of understand some things about my grandparents and parents better now. I have limitations I didn't have at 25. For one, I'm just medically closer to death and I have issues now that I didn't then. I don't have the energy level I used to, and I have different concerns financially too. Back then I could incur a little debt and figure I'd eventually earn my way out of it, through a better job, whatever. Now I realize that's kind of a pipe dream. Now I'm not in debt and have a savings account ... but something could happen tomorrow to drain that dry and put me right back in debt. I have no illusions I'm at all safe, and I have a lot less time to try to dig out of something like that than I used to. And I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're 25 and get offended, but there are things YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND until you're old, or at least older. I really try not to be ageist, but yeah, there's a sound reason for saying that age differences matter in some situations (and it's almost never beneficial for the older person, trust me).
Despite all this, and health problems, I don't feel "old" most of the time. When I'm dressed for a work event and look in the mirror and see that middle-aged woman with the glasses and the grayish hair, it takes a couple of seconds sometimes to register that it's ME. People in their twenties call me ma'am and treat me differently than they used to, because I look the age I am. It's crazy, because I remember the person who made cosplay costumes and went to conventions (not that long ago in fact) and sat around cross-legged on the floor at a con in 1994 learning about fan art and slash and discussing fanfic and Star Trek with a bunch of other twentysomethings. And I still have the desire to learn new things and move around and not stay in one place the rest of my life (even if my knees want to say otherwise!).
So yeah. Maybe the writing was a passing thing, longer than most other things, and maybe I'll want to pick it up again here and there. I wish I knew if other people had run into this same problem. My experience around other writers has been "once a writer, always a writer" so I sort of feel like there's something abnormal or wrong about what I'm dealing with in my brain. LOL
