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wasting away again in Pretendville
Aug. 14th, 2015 01:57 pmWhen I was either a junior or senior in college in the early 90s, I wrote a couple of short stories that were published. Both were competent, but neither was exceptionally good; if I were to go back and read either at this point, I'd probably wince at simplistic dialogue, concepts, characterization, or any number of stylistic boo-boos. One was original characters in my own setting and plotline, printed in a literary magazine; the other was fanfic printed in a fanzine - more specifically, my one venture into real-person fanfic, or RPF. It was PG-rated for a few swear words, about one of the Trek characters somehow ending up in the real world and meeting his actor, and then HIS descendant from 200 years in the future coming back to meet him too. It had comedy, it had pathos, it had questionable characterizations.
I showed both of these to one of my favorite lit professors at the time - I was happy to be published in anything, and just wanted him to know I was writing and that I was trying, outside of class. When you're 20 and don't know much about the world or office or academic politics, you'll try a lot that you wouldn't at twice that age. My professor was polite enough, but while I don't remember his specific reaction to the fanfic story, let's just say even I realized it wasn't favorable - there was a clear indication of pity that I'd squandered my time and wouldn't develop any sort of talent from doing THAT kind of writing.
It was the first time I was ashamed of writing fanfic, but I don't know that he was actively trying to shame me so much as we were both in the mindset of that time. This was pre-internet; "fandom" didn't mean what it does now. Now, any Molly, Cathy, or Joan who sees a Marvel movie and likes one or more characters might join a forum online or eventually find themselves in the middle of a discussion about anything from Iron-Man's suit powers to his sleeping position next to Cap or Pepper (or between them). They may not be the "type" of nerd who would have been in fandom 20, 40 years ago but they're IN it now because it's easily accessible and better known among the public than the phenomenon used to be. Back in the early 90s, a professor might like Star Trek (we had plenty in the Lang & Lit Department at my university) but they would have chewed off their own foot rather than write fanfic ... or at least admit that they wrote it. My judging professor was likely just puzzled why I'd waste my time with someone else's characters - and TV, at that! - when I could easily spend that time writing original fiction.
So, I don't hold his response against him. On the other hand, several years ago I found myself in a situation in which I definitely judged those judging my fanfic-writing, and HARD. I met someone helping organize a small local sci-fi/fantasy convention through mutual friends, and when she found out I wrote NC-17 fanfic from them, she asked if I would help with a panel she was putting together on writing erotica because she was short on volunteers. When I showed up, there were four of us on the panel, one man and three women ... and I was the only one who currently wrote fanfic, or at least the only one who would admit to it. I say "currently" because at least one of the women copped to having started out writing with fanfic.
This was probably about 2008 or 2009. The internet was a thing, fanfic was most assuredly a thing known about at a con; I figured if I could talk about fanfic anywhere, it would be on a panel about erotica in original and fan writing. Instead, waves of judgment fairly radiated from the two female authors, who discussed THEIR characters and THEIR series but made expressions I can't quite describe here without sounding flat-bitchy whenever I would talk about why I wrote and read in erotic fanfic. There was very much a sense of them having moved on from that childish practice to the more mature endeavor of paid erotica featuring original characters and settings. The audience, which was mixed-gender, seemed less judging and more curious about what I did, at least.
I found an ally briefly in, of all people, the male author on the panel. He too talked about his characters and settings and ideas, and at least acted politely interested when I talked about fanfic. At one point late in the discussion he said that a lot of readers of his and the two women's books had likely begun by reading erotic fanfic, including slash, and citing the value of fanfic for their business in that sense. His two colleagues after that point didn't aim any more amusement my way - and I was grateful, but puzzled. What, now I had to worry about superior attitudes IN fandom, as well?
When I used to read about fannish "gatekeepers" - those who seek to exclude based on a false notion of what fandom should be (and what it shouldn't be, more accurately) - the term puzzled me. I've gone to cons several times in my 20-plus years in fandom and while I didn't talk about fanfic a lot, I never really felt out of place for reading or writing it when I did, not even among male fans. But online, especially in the last few years, I have seen examples of mostly male gatekeeping aimed mostly at girls and women, that basically boil down to "aww, why you girls gotta do that?" when it comes to sexy cosplay, writing fanfic, or discussing male-male relationships in media (this isn't the sum total of gatekeeping practices, just so you're aware that I'M aware - just the ones that affect me at all). Maybe they too are aware that fandom is on wider display to the world at large these days, and don't want to have to answer uncomfortable questions if they tell someone they're a Marvel or Trek fan; who knows?
The fact is, I've been reading and writing fanfic for more than two decades, and I've put a lot more thought into the value of it than any gatekeeper ever has. Some days it seems like a waste of time, if your end goal is to be a professional, paid writer someday. But the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that doing something creative for its own sake is its own value. There are car mechanics who listen to opera or paint pictures; there are trash haulers who play in bands or take photos; there are college professors and doctors who write fanfic or beta for someone else; there are lawyers who deal in antiques for the hell of it and and whose favorite movie is "Joe Dirt." YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SPEND YOUR FREE TIME DOING SOMETHING AS PRACTICE FOR WHAT YOU WANT TO BE PAID TO DO EVENTUALLY, FOR THAT SOMETHING TO HAVE VALUE TO YOUR COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT AND HAPPINESS. Your main job is to live and not to deliberately harm anyone else for no good reason; that's it.
Each fan has to have their own come-to-Jesus moment, though - someone else can't do it for you or tell you how to go about it. And even if you do make peace with your own fannish involvement as it collides with what some other fan prefers to do with their free time, you're probably still going to encounter problems from fellow fans who do essentially the same thing you do, in the same fandom, in roughly the same spaces.
Welcome to drama.
I showed both of these to one of my favorite lit professors at the time - I was happy to be published in anything, and just wanted him to know I was writing and that I was trying, outside of class. When you're 20 and don't know much about the world or office or academic politics, you'll try a lot that you wouldn't at twice that age. My professor was polite enough, but while I don't remember his specific reaction to the fanfic story, let's just say even I realized it wasn't favorable - there was a clear indication of pity that I'd squandered my time and wouldn't develop any sort of talent from doing THAT kind of writing.
It was the first time I was ashamed of writing fanfic, but I don't know that he was actively trying to shame me so much as we were both in the mindset of that time. This was pre-internet; "fandom" didn't mean what it does now. Now, any Molly, Cathy, or Joan who sees a Marvel movie and likes one or more characters might join a forum online or eventually find themselves in the middle of a discussion about anything from Iron-Man's suit powers to his sleeping position next to Cap or Pepper (or between them). They may not be the "type" of nerd who would have been in fandom 20, 40 years ago but they're IN it now because it's easily accessible and better known among the public than the phenomenon used to be. Back in the early 90s, a professor might like Star Trek (we had plenty in the Lang & Lit Department at my university) but they would have chewed off their own foot rather than write fanfic ... or at least admit that they wrote it. My judging professor was likely just puzzled why I'd waste my time with someone else's characters - and TV, at that! - when I could easily spend that time writing original fiction.
So, I don't hold his response against him. On the other hand, several years ago I found myself in a situation in which I definitely judged those judging my fanfic-writing, and HARD. I met someone helping organize a small local sci-fi/fantasy convention through mutual friends, and when she found out I wrote NC-17 fanfic from them, she asked if I would help with a panel she was putting together on writing erotica because she was short on volunteers. When I showed up, there were four of us on the panel, one man and three women ... and I was the only one who currently wrote fanfic, or at least the only one who would admit to it. I say "currently" because at least one of the women copped to having started out writing with fanfic.
This was probably about 2008 or 2009. The internet was a thing, fanfic was most assuredly a thing known about at a con; I figured if I could talk about fanfic anywhere, it would be on a panel about erotica in original and fan writing. Instead, waves of judgment fairly radiated from the two female authors, who discussed THEIR characters and THEIR series but made expressions I can't quite describe here without sounding flat-bitchy whenever I would talk about why I wrote and read in erotic fanfic. There was very much a sense of them having moved on from that childish practice to the more mature endeavor of paid erotica featuring original characters and settings. The audience, which was mixed-gender, seemed less judging and more curious about what I did, at least.
I found an ally briefly in, of all people, the male author on the panel. He too talked about his characters and settings and ideas, and at least acted politely interested when I talked about fanfic. At one point late in the discussion he said that a lot of readers of his and the two women's books had likely begun by reading erotic fanfic, including slash, and citing the value of fanfic for their business in that sense. His two colleagues after that point didn't aim any more amusement my way - and I was grateful, but puzzled. What, now I had to worry about superior attitudes IN fandom, as well?
When I used to read about fannish "gatekeepers" - those who seek to exclude based on a false notion of what fandom should be (and what it shouldn't be, more accurately) - the term puzzled me. I've gone to cons several times in my 20-plus years in fandom and while I didn't talk about fanfic a lot, I never really felt out of place for reading or writing it when I did, not even among male fans. But online, especially in the last few years, I have seen examples of mostly male gatekeeping aimed mostly at girls and women, that basically boil down to "aww, why you girls gotta do that?" when it comes to sexy cosplay, writing fanfic, or discussing male-male relationships in media (this isn't the sum total of gatekeeping practices, just so you're aware that I'M aware - just the ones that affect me at all). Maybe they too are aware that fandom is on wider display to the world at large these days, and don't want to have to answer uncomfortable questions if they tell someone they're a Marvel or Trek fan; who knows?
The fact is, I've been reading and writing fanfic for more than two decades, and I've put a lot more thought into the value of it than any gatekeeper ever has. Some days it seems like a waste of time, if your end goal is to be a professional, paid writer someday. But the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that doing something creative for its own sake is its own value. There are car mechanics who listen to opera or paint pictures; there are trash haulers who play in bands or take photos; there are college professors and doctors who write fanfic or beta for someone else; there are lawyers who deal in antiques for the hell of it and and whose favorite movie is "Joe Dirt." YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SPEND YOUR FREE TIME DOING SOMETHING AS PRACTICE FOR WHAT YOU WANT TO BE PAID TO DO EVENTUALLY, FOR THAT SOMETHING TO HAVE VALUE TO YOUR COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT AND HAPPINESS. Your main job is to live and not to deliberately harm anyone else for no good reason; that's it.
Each fan has to have their own come-to-Jesus moment, though - someone else can't do it for you or tell you how to go about it. And even if you do make peace with your own fannish involvement as it collides with what some other fan prefers to do with their free time, you're probably still going to encounter problems from fellow fans who do essentially the same thing you do, in the same fandom, in roughly the same spaces.
Welcome to drama.
